The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
EPISODE TWO HUNDRED ONE: GETTING LOST…
Getting lost is different from being lost.
Who said that?
But it’s been said in different ways. And lots of ways. Tolkien says it pretty well, though.
“Not all those who wander are lost.” – J.J.R. Tolkien
That’s my second favorite.
I like my way the best.
Have you ever been lost? I mean good and lost?
Oh, you think I mean on the road or in the woods? Maybe as a child in the mall that one time when your parents were distracted, and you decided you wanted to look into the toy store all by yourself?
HAHA. No. I don’t mean at all.
What I mean is when you got lost within your own mind.
I’ve been lucky enough to get lost a few times. When I ran, I had a ‘runner’s high’ when I felt like I could run forever and never tire. I’ve become lost in fixing typewriters when everything was running smoothly, and I was doing things correctly. I have been lost in a book; when time ceased, the story took me in a held me as if I was there living and breathing with the characters. And I’ve been lost when I wrote my own stories.
It would fade after a while, and I would look at the time and see hours had gone by when it felt like minutes. And in that time, worries and troubles that held my mind earlier disappeared, and I was at one with what I had been doing.
Honestly, for someone that suffers from anxiety and depression, it’s the best feeling. No medication can touch it. It’s all-natural, and it’s healing.
But, unfortunately, I can’t make it happen as much as I want.
I was doing meaningless tasks keep me far away from getting lost. I just become LOST. Time stretches and slows down. I’d say almost every job I have had has made me feel that way, with a few moments as exemptions. But they happen or happened too rarely.
I love getting lost in doing something. Stress disappears, and I feel like I matter in the universe. It can be something as minor as gluing back something that has broken. In those few minutes, I can find myself in a state of absolute bliss.
I think that is the proof that when you get lost doing something you love, you feel those butterflies in your stomach, you feel the excitement, and the bliss takes over.
I remember a moment in my past, a specific moment, when I blissed out and got lost.
We were living out in the country, and it was before life got too responsible. It was before I got my first job and before my first girlfriend. My time was mine (not counting school). There was a day in early January, and one Saturday morning, it started to snow and continued to snow into the afternoon and evening. This was about the time I had taken over my dad’s Remington desktop typewriter. It sat in my room next to my Fletch movie poster on a table, and I had my dad’s rolling desk chair. On this particular day, I started to write a story I had in my mind for some time. As I listened to Sting, Dire Straits, and Huey Lewis and the News on my stereo, I typed away as the snow fell outside. I would occasionally get up and look out the window or get a cup of coffee with lots of creamer and sugar. Then I’d plop back down and type away. I got lost. Page after page was typed upon and then pulled from the typewriter, and a new clean sheet was rolled in, and I continued. The next thing I knew, my dad had come in and was patting me on the shoulder. He was going to bed and needed the typing to cease. I looked around as if I was coming out of a trance. By then, it was dark outside, and almost two feet of snow sat on the frozen ground.
I think back to that day and strive to feel that way again. It was one of the best feelings I had ever had, before or since. That’s why I always feel more creative during the cooler and colder months. It all stems back to that day.
I have had a few days like that since. But never that long. I hope one day I can get lost like that gain. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to see it start snowing outside and making it too dangerous to go to work (or perhaps I’ll be writing for a living… finally). I’ll have some time at the computer and type out a story in one sitting as time flies by around me. Maybe a nice cup of coffee next to me with my wife occasionally coming to check on me to see if I’m still alive.
Getting lost in what you love is always great. It always has been for me. And I relish any amount of time I get to do so. It helps fix some of my ills. It helps keep the monster of depression and anxiety at bay and back behind the door where it belongs, for a time, anyway.
Getting lost helps me get found.
I hope you allow yourself to get lost from time to time.
It might save your life.
– Loyd Elmore Jr
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.