AMBIENT THOUGHT – EPISODE One Hundred Ninety Four: Happy Vs. Need

The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.


We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal, and then leap in the dark to our success.

Henry David Thoreau

(I have talked about the following before but the dynamics have changed. This is my insight (or blindness) to the NOW situation.)

I sit on a ledge of a great precipice. It is large, vast, and completely engulfing. There is no bottom, only space. And in that space lies what seems to be nothingness. But in between the atoms of that so-called void lie anxiety, apprehension, and the fear of the unknown.
But somewhere, out there beyond this black, lightless desert, may lie my true destiny. I wonder if I squint my tired eyes hard enough, I’ll see that proverbial glimmer of hope. I want to stand and without thinking, I want to leap out. I want to fly and not fall. I want to see that pinprick of possibility to grow and pull me toward it. I want to feel its warmth and security as it embarrasses me and I leave the blank darkness behind.
Yet… I sit. And wonder…

That’s how I feel.

As I write this, it’s a weekday. A Wednesday, to be precise, and I am jobless. Four months ago, COVID 19 took my job and my security. If not for a savings and some money my dad left me, I would be up Shits Creek (which flows into the Gulf of Fucked).
I got a little money from the government (and there may a bit more coming), so I’ve been alright. My wife is still working and the bills are getting paid… for now.
And since I’m being honest (I wouldn’t write it if it wasn’t true, dear reader), I hated my job. HATED, with a capital HATED!!! I had been there for over nine years without a promotion or a bonus. I had a boss that couldn’t even spell my name correctly. So, the idea of losing that dead-end job didn’t bother me at all.
What bothered me was the security. There were two paychecks coming in instead of one. The wolf was far away.
Now, the wolf is creeping closer. It smells the blood in the air and is looking to make me a meal. It’s still not at the door but I can hear its howl nearby.

What have I been doing since being let go?

I’ve been watching TV, reading, working around the house, fixing things that needed to be fixed, working on typewriters, and I’ve been writing. As time has passed, I have started to think more and more about finding a new job, a job I might actually like, a job that might allow me to get out of bed to go to it a bit easier and not try to think of a way to not go.
And, honestly, I believe there is one out there for me.
I feel it in my bones… and my heart.

Then there’s my brain. It’s telling me to just find something you know how to do, something you have done before, and just do that. It’s telling me to go find a forklift job (I drove a forklift for about sixteen years for different places) or find an assembly job (I worked on an assembly line for about three years) or become an order picker (did that for three years one place and a year in another) or get a job working with insurance applications (did that for over nine… my last job). My brain is saying to go get one of those and be satisfied. It says ‘You’re too old to start something new. Nobody is going to want a forty-eight-year-old who needs to lose weight and has a bad back. You’re not going to find something that fits in your other ‘talents’, talents you have no paperwork for, no PHD, no certificate from a place of higher learning. Nobody is going to want somebody who is self-taught. Those people will not want YOU. Go drive a fucking forklift, you fucking dreamer. GO GET A PAYCHECK!!!

And that, my friends, is where I am torn.

I need to start looking for a job. And, yes, there’s my heart. It says, ‘Now’s the time. Go try. What have you got to lose?’
And my brain says, ‘Idiot. You’re too old for a career. GET A JOB!!!’
And I’ve started to look. I’ve been going online and looking for things I know how to do because I have been paid to do them in the past.
AND… for jobs that I know I can do if only they give me a chance.
And I’ve been looking around for possible jobs that lie somewhere in between. Example: Working in a bookstore. I’d hate to run the register or deal with… customers. But I’d be around books all day. And there is a discount for said books. Maybe even a comic-book store. Same pros and cons.
And, of course, it depends on where the quarantine phase is at the time. Some possible jobs are workable in online, while others are not.

I’d like to dream, ok? I wish that I could land a job writing. Maybe somebody might read this and thinks it fills a niche and they hire me to write a blog of money. Or a book. Or for a newspaper or magazine.
Or maybe somebody sees me for my creative talents and hired me with no experience to work at an advertising agency. Maybe a production company hires me to work on productions or edit or… write.
I know. It’s a dream. I gotta think real world. Maybe I’m too old to dream that way.

Look, it all comes down to this.
No matter what I do, I’ll have to be happy doing it. It doesn’t matter if it’s a job where I’m seeking out my heart or a job where I’m selling out my brain, I have to find a way to make a living that I don’t regret. I have too many of those in my life when it came to jobs. And speaking of being too old… I’m too old to not be happy.

I slowly stand, my hands shake, my knees shake. I look out into the void, through the void. I hold my breath and close my eyes. My heart speeds and I feel the blood making my body vibrate. I slowly move toward the edge and stop, letting my breath out.
I step forward…

-Loyd Elmore Jr
March 12th, 2020

I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

One thought on “AMBIENT THOUGHT – EPISODE One Hundred Ninety Four: Happy Vs. Need

  1. I don’t know where your work history helps or hurts your dream; but if you work with a staffing agency, they can help you get a position that fits, and/or guide you to quickly acquire the right skills for that job with little or no money investment on your part.

    I was 60, and looking for work in 2014. My situation was pretty dire as I am single (and old). I have an Associate of Arts degree, but that was old, too, when I was trying to find a job. Add that I am morbidly obese and I figured no one wanted to look at that at their place of work. I was bracing myself for continued work at Walmart even if I ended up living in my car. Pretty grim.

    I finally got a call from a recruiter for a staffing agency. I did the interviews over the phone for both the staffing recruiter and the client. I got approved by the client and hired by the agency, meeting only the client on my first day of work. I am now a technical writer, documentation coordinator, and engineering assistant to an engineer for an aeronautics and aerospace manufacturing company. The contract was only mentioned to last MAYBE 3 years. It’s still going strong. I am still mentally pausing and saying “pinch me” as I am making a higher wage than I ever did before, and LOVING my work though not all elements of my job are fun. Reality bites, hehehe.

    I have health benefits that are better than Medicare, so I haven’t changed to that fully yet. Since April of 2020 I have been working from home. When we have Zoom meetings, the camera isn’t on, because it will only record the empty cubicle my remote computer is in. I can work in my nightgown all day if I wish, and still do some work I feel good about at the end of the day.

    There are options out there – and you can do this! But I’m serious about getting involved in a staffing agency or five (sign up with more than one!), until you find one that feels like a good fit where the leadership seems engaged with your success as much as they are for theirs. Or, until you get a contract to work on and see if you have found a job that might hire you permanently.

    Begin the adventure, and remember that courage is found only in the places that frighten us!

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s