The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
EPISODE ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY FOUR: THE GREAT MAD INVENTER
Just in case you need the definitions.
And you’re correct, another blog post about my brain. But maybe it’ll reverb with you, too.
What is a good day?
For all of us, it’s something different. Maybe for you, it’s a sunny day in the summer and a trip to the beach or lake and spending time with family and friends and having a cook-out.
Or maybe it’s a cold evening staying in and watching a movie with your dog on your lap and a glass of wine.
Or it’s a vast array of other things.
And if you think about it, it’s a day when you get past the bad things or able to think less or stop thinking about the bad things for a while and enjoy yourself.
That’s a good day.
Those are rare for me.
Let me give you an example. And it’s a simple one.
Here comes Friday. Half the day is at work but as soon as I leave, I feel better. I get home and relax. Saturday comes and that becomes my less stressful day. It’s the day when my creative juices flow better and freer.
Then Sunday and the first half is great, the Sunday morning is when I do a lot of writing. It’s like a shield I put up against the thought of Monday. As the day proceeds, it gets me closer and closer to Monday and I become more irritated and sullen.
So, I have one full day that I feel my best.
But if something is going on that day that makes me nervous (meeting up with someone, going somewhere new, meeting someone new, or putting myself in an uncomfortable situation), my one normal day (or close to normal day) is shot.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Not all of the things that happen on those blessed Saturdays are bad. Most turn out well. And I might even be really glad that whatever happened happened.
This is what my brain does.
It invents things to worry about.
Will the car break down?
Will I get sick?
Will my wife get sick?
Will somebody steal all of the money from my bank account?
Will the cat or dog get out and run away?
Will the cat or dog die?
And a vast amount of other worries will enter my head just to make myself feel stressed.
And if all else fails… will I die today?
That’s a big one. And it always sits there at the back of my mind just waiting to come forward.
My brain basically makes me the human version of Eeyore from the Winnie the Pooh books and movies.
I find some way to turn a possible good day and turn it into a gut-churning, sweat-inducing, head-aching, hyperventilating kind of day.
For no reason what so ever.
I invent worries and build up my anxiety for any possible bad thing that could happen. And most of them are situations that I can not control.
Let me state that again, not just for you, dear reader, but for me. Mostly for me.
These situations that I invent in my head CAN NOT BE CONTROLLED.
And it’s a pain in the ass.
(Get it? Eeyore… Ass… Nevermind.)
For some reason, my mind will not allow me to relinquish control over things that I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER ANYWAY. My mind tries to give lull me into thinking that I have control over everything and everyone. And it tries to make me feel I have control over every situation that could possibly happen. My brain thinks it’s the Swiss Army knife of grey matter.
But I have started to get a bit of control over it thanks to focusing more on these situations AND a little help from prescriptions. I take one every night about an hour before bedtime (it helps me sleep and helps keep away those late at night worry sessions) and I have one that I take only when the nerves are at its worse. It helps me relax and concentrate on the here and now and not the could be and later.
There are a few of you that might be condemning me for taking a pill(s). You might be saying to yourself, ‘You should be able to control it without taking drugs.”
You’re right. I SHOULD!!!
But… I can’t.
And I’m not the only one.
I’ve said this before. It’s a blessing and a curse. I may be one of the most mentally prepared people I have ever known. My mind can think of different scenarios for different situations and plan ahead. I live most of my life like a game of chess, planning moves before they need to be made.
But when things are going well, my brain needs something to occupy its time. I believe that’s why I like to make things and collect things. I believe it’s why I love to write. It puts those ‘talents’ to work in a positive way.
But then those new situations come and my mind must over-consider and over-analyze EVERYTHING and invent situations that don’t exist. It makes having a good day hard to maintain.
I am the Great Mad Inventor. I always have been.
I have been blessed/cursed with Swiss Army Brain Syndrome (SABS) for I am almost always prepared.
Except for the normal ‘good day’.
-Loyd Elmore Jr
September 11th, 2020
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.