The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
EPISODE ONE HUNDRED EIGHTY THREE: THREE POUNDS
The brain is wider than the sky.
I talk a lot about the brain. I have used it as a whole or a partial subject in many blog posts.
Well, here I go again.
I guess I have a one-tracked… You know.
That is what the average adult human brain weighs.
It is the same as 5.75 cups of water, which makes up most of the brain like our bodies. We carry it inside our skulls on top of our shoulders. Or it lies on its side when we sleep.
When we are born, it weighs about 3/4 of a pound and from the moment we cry our first cry, we fill it. We fill it with what we are taught by our parents and teachers and friends. Even strangers. And then we learn to decipher what is right and wrong and what helps us to get to the next day.
And on and on.
Our brains fill with what we are doing right now and the things we did. It fills with what could happen in the future based on the things we do now and what we did. From those things, we learn more and it helps us get to the next day…
At least, that’s what is supposed to happen.
And it does on some days and on a perfect day.
But those don’t happen as often as we want them.
Our brains also fill with our past regrets and our present guilts. It can keep us at night with could’ve’s, should’ve’s, and would’ve’s. Our bodies can be so tired but our brains can be like a train coming down the track with its horn blaring in the night for you to move out of the way. But we can’t.
It’s like when we get insulted and it’s hours or days later when we think of a great ‘come back’ line.
Yep. That gets thrown into our brains for something to go back to in the middle of the night when we weigh our downfalls and regrets.
It all goes in.
And there is no stopping it.
Speaking for myself, my brain can be my best friend, giving me great ideas and new ways to look at the world. And it can be my worst enemy, not letting forget what could have been and the bad choices.
I may be the only one (I seriously doubt it, though) but it seems harder to keep the good things in my head, the positives. They come and go like the sun above thick, high moving clouds. The bad thoughts, the ones that get me worrying, take nothing but a small flick of the switch and they are there all day making my stomach knot up and cause my head to ache.
Is it chemistry, DNA, or self-loathing?
I have had days when I was able to keep the evil, screaming, brain-eating gremlins away. There are some days when the good out-weighs the bad thoughts overwhelming.
There have been GOOD days.
Then there have been days that have been simply nothing but one bump and thump after another.
I have to ask, is this you, too?
Let me tell you something that can help. There are days that it helps me.
Even when it seems too hard to do so. Get off your ass and make something positive. Give of yourself. Love with all your heart.
Yes. I know it can be too hard to do so. But remember, it’s not a physical thing. It’s your brain thinking it can’t.
I have to remind myself of this very thing when the walls come closing in, the walls of my mind, and I have to take a few deeps breathes and try and remember the joy on the other end of doing good things. I look back on things that I thought something I made was good. I remember how proud I felt when something that came from the same tortured brain that was, well, pretty damn good. Others may not have thought so but if it moved my soul and made my heart swell, it was a good thing. And I try and use those things when the depression and anxiety creep in or jumps from the roof onto my back.
It won’t happen all of the time. Some times the darkness can be overwhelming and you just have to hold onto something to get through it. And maybe one small positive thing can keep you afloat until the black darkness fades to grey.
We hold all of this inside that three pounds of meat between our ears. It doesn’t matter the intelligence it possesses or lack thereof. It doesn’t matter the positive or negative experiences it goes through.
It is all so easy to make our brain the master and we just abide.
It’s not. We can control how we react to life’s storms. As difficult our days come, we do have control over how we handle it. Even our brains with it’s misfiring habenula can be urged into synchronicity. Of course, some days are harder than others. But it’s possible.
The next time when the world seems to against you and your brain is telling you everybody and everything hates you, try and remember to make one small positive thing happen, for yourself, or better yet, for someone else.
Don’t let that three-pound bully tell you what isn’t true.
You may not be able to survive without it but it can’t survive without you.
-Loyd Elmore Jr
August 21st, 2020
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.