The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
EPISODE ONE HUNDRED SIXTY SIX: THE STORY OF THE BLOG POST THAT WON’T BE SEEN.
“Throw away thy rod, throw away thy wrath; O my God, take the gentle path.”
Just yesterday (as of this writing), I wrote a blog post called, “It’s Hard To Be Positive,” Said The Anion. An anion is a negatively charged ion. And when I wrote it, that is exactly how I felt. I felt charged negatively.
And, recently, more than I should have to.
While I was writing that blog post, I got angrier, throwing more and more negative feelings and how I felt trampled on, not just by other people, but by myself. I mean, it got dark and hateful. It was all about how bad things seemed to be following me and giving me roadblocks, too many roadblocks for me to handle.
Then the wording got blurry and whatever path I had started out on became a thick, dense forest full of brambles and sharp jutting rocks. It started to make no sense at all. It was just a vomit of words full of whatever nondigestive hogwash that had been filling me up.
I finished it and just stared.
And though I intended it one way, it became a horrible, teeth-gnashing monster, ready to bite me and anyone who reads it. Like all of my posts, I find pictures on Pixabay (or make one by putting more than one together from their photos) to headline the blog post that has something to do with what I wrote. This is what I made for it:
It’s kind of cute but says what I wanted to say.
But it came out more like this:
And that wasn’t my intention.
I was angry and as I wrote and thought about all the bad stuff happening to me, it became much worse.
After looking at it for a while and reading it, I decided to take the number off of it (it would have been 167) and put it away. I decided it wasn’t going to be read… but I didn’t have the heart to delete it. I might keep it around for me to read from time to time when I feel I’m losing control and not staying balanced.
So, what did I want to say in that evil post originally?
Well, it’s this. I have a problem with staying positive. I feel that most of my time is dealing with negativity that has blossomed like a Corpse Flower right under my nose.
I know we all have our moments that seeing the positive things that get blocked by whatever other people have put in front of us. And, a lot of times, it’s what WE have put in front of ourselves.
And as if this writing, I’m dealing with a lot of negativism. My car, my job, my health (mental and physical), a certain situation dealing with family (not ready to go into that), and just my future in general. It’s all coming at me like different storms to make it a perfect one. It’s all barreling down on me. I’m having a hard time hanging on. Even with the help of my loved ones and some close friends, I feel my grip losing strength.
When I started that unpublished blog post, it turned into a gripe fest which then turned into a pit of despair. (Any Princess Bride fans out there? Hello?)
And that… is what I didn’t want to do. I don’t want any blog post I write to turn into a bitch session with no solution, no self-exploration, no positive thought.
So, I scrapped it. I shut it away and put it under lock and key.
And I don’t plan on deleting it. Though I have no intention of showing anyone, I will go a read it from time to time when I feel my fingers slip. I need to see what being super negative looks like when I get a bit near-sighted.
It’s OK to feel negative. Those people you see that always has something positive to say, that always seems to have a smile on their face and has a go-get-’em attitude, well, they have their down moments, too. Maybe they know how to hide their sadness better, burying it until they can let it out when they are alone.
Those are the ones you need to worry about. They tend to not wear their hearts on their sleeves.
As for me, my heart is right there for all to see.
Most of the time. I can hide them when I feel nobody cares.
I’m getting off the point.
I have to stay as positive as possible. I can’t do it all of the time. I am not built that way. But trying to keep a positive outlook is like working a muscle. If you don’t build it up constantly, it becomes weak and harder to use. That’s where I’m at right now. My positivity has become weak and lethargic.
So, I’m going to work on being more positive, more often.
I’m going to try.
I will try and see around obstacles that I have put there or other people have put there and see the light.
I will try and not allow those things to be placed in my path by others or myself.
I will try and believe that even if today is crappy, that the hope of tomorrow being better is a real possibility.
I will allow myself to step back and take a breath when I need it. Even if it upsets others. I will allow myself to get under the covers and hide from the world as long as I promise not to stay there too long.
And I will allow myself a tirade of typed or spoken words if it helps deflate the negative feelings I have and not show anyone or allow anyone to hear them.
If it helps me hang on longer, it’s all worth it.
-Loyd Elmore Jr
January 17th, 2020
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.