The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
EPISODE ONE HUNDRED FORTY THREE: WHERE’S HOME?
It’s strange how I think of some of these blog posts. Some come from direct references and some come from one little thing that causes me to think of something else related to that and it snowballs into something else.
This is one of those…
It started with another viewing of J.J. Abrams viewing of his reboot of Star Trek. The captain has to go to the enemy ship to talk a ‘truce’, though you know he’s going to die there. And that thought started the snowball in my brain.
So, answer this question to yourself: Where’s home?
The first thing you probably thought of was where you live. Maybe it’s a brick home with a paved driveway and a fenced in backyard or it’s a condo where you fight over parking with the other people that live in the same building. Anywhere you hang your hat and lay your head at night might be what you consider your home.
But those are just physical representations of ‘home’.
My belief is your real home has four rooms and an attic. The rooms are where you move around, going to and fro and in and out. The attic is where you keep things from the past and things you might be currently working on. And there are windows that look out to the world and the weather.
That house I just described is your heart and mind.
It is my belief you carry your true home with you no matter where you go. It lives inside.
It’s taken me a long time to come to this realization. And some days it’s harder to believe it than others, especially when I’m nervous and it feels like my ‘inner house’ is shaking at its foundation. In moments of calm, I look inward and see that everything that I truly hold dear is inside. Your love and your passion and your creativity are placed inside, in the house and the attic.
And, since ‘my home’ is a place of refuge, you can find me hiding within its walls. I do this more and more when the outside world is frustrating and upsetting. When it all feels to be too much some days, I close the blinds, turn off the lights, and sit in a corner so I can see all directions.
As much as my inner home is a safe place, this can become a too easy fix. You can’t stay hidden for too long or the outside world will start passing you by. Friends will eventually decide their knocking isn’t being heard (or ignored) and will step off the porch and walk away, maybe forever.
Since I was a kid, I have always found myself imagining and pretending. I enjoyed doing things on my own and relying on my imagination to keep me occupied. I liked burrowing inside my closet past the shoes and toys and building a little ‘nest’ in the back where I would take a flashlight, a few comic books, a few action figures, and hide away from the world. Then after a period of time (either reading all of my comics or getting tired and/or hungry or having to pee or getting too hot), I would crawl out and see how the world had changed. I would usually find that my parents didn’t even know I was there. Of course, I was playing ‘quietly’ in my bedroom and they didn’t feel the need to worry. But I really wanted them to wonder where I was.
Something about that stayed with me. I have never been afraid of closed in spaces or the dark or being by myself. I liked the little house I made inside. Getting older and seeing how the world really works can cause that inner house to look really good. You know it’s safe because you built it.
If you’re lucky, though, you meet someone who helps pull you out of that house. They help you see the better things outside than the bad things you have been concentrating on. And if they are right for you, you’ll find yourself in that house less and less.
Don’t get me wrong, for people like me, that house will never go away. You need that house no matter how good things can be on the outside. It’s a place where you can think and think things through. But you should think of it as more of place where you take a break, like when you go on vacation and you just get a decent place instead of some luxurious accommodation because you know you’re going to be spending more time outside and seeing what there is to see.
So, I have this house inside of me. It’s made up of my mind and heart. It’s a place where I can strip down and breathe and be at one with myself. It’s where I can create and dream and feel peace.
It’s important for everyone to have that place inside of them.
But… (there’s always a but) you have to go outside. You have to go out to the outside world and be.
Your hands may get sweaty (mine do) but open it and go out from time to time.
-Loyd Elmore Jr
March 8th, 2019
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.