AMBIENT THOUGHT – EPISODE One Hundred Twenty Five: I Might Be Santa!!!

The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.




How cool would it be to be Santa Claus? It would be awesome. You visit the children around the world and bring them something they wanted.

What if you could bring them something they needed? Wouldn’t that be the greatest thing ever?

Where are you going with this, buddy?

There are certain points in time that I dread, just like most people.
When I have to get a physical (hello jelly finger) when I have to get teeth cleaning, and when I have to put my car through emissions (there is always that worry that my car won’t pass).
Then, there’s that one thing we have to do every five or seven years (depending on where you live).
We have to get our driver’s license renewed.

A month before my birthday (when my expiration date was for my license), I took some time off of work to head down to the local DMV to find myself a spot among to vast array of our city’s eclectic citizens. I filled out my ‘paperwork’ on the kiosk and paid my fee and sat to wait my turn to put a picture to paper. Well, temporary paper.

Now, something I did while I typed my information on the computer kiosk was planned out a few weeks ago.

Cue to a few weeks ago…

After many years of trying to decide on something very important, I finally came to the ultimate decision. I knew when I filled out for my new license, I was going to do something that I had never done before. And it would be something that I would do from now on.

Back to the DMV…

On the kiosk, I got to the screen that I had to answer a question that I had spent sleepless nights thinking about, early morning drives to work thinking about, and walks in nature thinking about. And talks with my wife about.
Here was the question, right in front of me. After a minute of deliberation, last minute nervousness, I reached out and clicked YES.
I finished, paid and sat down. And waited to have my picture taken.
My new picture was going to be a guy who had just become an organ donor.

As soon as I did it, I thought ‘WHAT THE HELL DID I JUST DO?
I sat there and I thought about being cut up. Sliced and diced and my parts served up on a platter. There was going to be some doctor named Hannibal who was going to eat parts of me with fava beans and a nice chianti.
I played with my phone and got on Facebook and Twitter and looked at my e-mail. But I was just thinking about that scalpel that might cut out my heart and give it to somebody.

The time finally came to get my picture, the one I’d have for the next seven years. I went up the VERY large cop who just happens to have pulled the short stick that day and had to deal with people like me. He told me to stand there. I stood there. He told me to bend my knees. I bent my knees. He told me to look at the camera. Yep. I did that.
The picture was taken.
After a couple of minutes, I got my temporary license until the new hard one came in the mail a couple of weeks from then. And when it came, I looked at it and it was official. There was a little red heart on it…

So…now it really set in. Maybe in my future, maybe a few minutes after my death, a part of my body will go on to help somebody else to live longer. Maybe a part of my eye will help someone see. Maybe a part of my liver or a part of my heart or my whole hearts my go to someone so they may see another day or live to be a nice ripe old age.

I have to be honest, it scares me and makes me feel good at the same time. Why does it scare me? I have no clue. It’s not like I’m going to feel it happen. I will be gone. Maybe I’ll be sitting back in my perfect heavenly body, eating some unearthly popcorn (I bet there are no kernel pieces to get stuck in my ghostly teeth) and I’ll be watching the whole show. Snip, slice, cut…and a life is helped with what I left behind.

Another reason I made the decision was I had decided that there will not be a casket for me. I’m going to get toasted and ashed up. So, there is no need for all of these pieces of me. It took me a long time to feel comfortable to get cremated. Just like becoming an organ donor, there’s that irrational fear that I’m going to feel it. I think it comes with the acceptance of death will come. And when it comes, you will cease and be no more. At least, physically.

Yep. I might be Santa. I might give the gift of life and the gift of a better life to someone else on this planet. Parts of me might get scattered across the country or the planet. A part of me might become a part of a future president or a famous actor or a future doctor that creates a cure for the reason I had to become a part of another human being in the first place.

Who knows?

After I got over that irrational fear, I became quite proud of the fact that a little red heart is on my driver’s license. I look at it and I see myself as a potential jolly big man in red and white.

And guess what?

You could be, too.

-Loyd Elmore
September 21st, 2018


I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

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