The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
EPISODE ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN: Falling In Love…And Hit Bottom…
Some may think I’m probably the last person to be talking about this. I’m in a great relationship and I have been for more than ten years. I’ve known my wife for about thirteen and married for (at the times of this writing) ten. I got lucky in the love department.
But I haven’t always been so lucky. I have been heartbroken (like most), I have gone without love for a long period of time (like most), and I have seen love blossom to only watch it fall dead to the ground below (like most). I have gone through times when I thought I would never find anybody who would love me with my faults. Honesty, there are times I still wonder why my wife loves me the way she does. It just makes me think about how lucky/blessed I am to have found her (or did she find me?).
The reason I felt the need to write this is because I have quite a few friends that are either in that ‘dead zone’ where they can’t seem to find love or they got out of a relationship and they wonder if love will ever come back to them. I know what they are going through. As I have just said, I’ve been there, more than once. You feel like that it must have been something you’re doing. I’m pushing the thing I want the most away from me and I don’t know how or why.
The following is a fictional person but it is based on a few of my friends, some male, some female:
I have a friend that we will call Johnny. Johnny seems to never find someone in their life. Johnny was in a long-term relationship that ended and the break wasn’t clean, more like broken into shards that he allows to stab him when he thinks about it. That part of his past keeps rising up in his head and draws blood. But Johnny doesn’t stay alone. He goes on multiple dates and none seem to pan out. Johnny feels like he’ll never find anybody else.
So, what can Johnny do? You can tell Johnny that it’s good he is getting out and continues to try. That’s the truth. But you also need to tell Johnny that he is going to strike out more times than not. Johnny has to remember that when you look for a precious stone, you have to search through dirt and grime and you have to get your nails and hands dirty. There is a lot of blood, sweat, and a WHOLE lot of tears before you find what you are looking for. To find the most precious of things; LOVE, you have to take it a day at a time. And you can’t get obsessed. When we get obsessed with the idea of something, thinking that’s the only way we can live, it becomes wrong.
No matter how we feel about love, it’s really not like water, food, and air. Those are the things in life we MUST have. I do agree love should be somewhere at the top but it’s not a necessity for a good life. Now, it makes life better, that is without a doubt. Colors are more vibrant, good smells are more intoxicating, music becomes sweeter and can have a deeper meaning and blah, blah, blah.
Trust me, I believe in love. I believe love, real love, can cure a lot of ailments and breath sweeter life into yours, but you can’t force it. You can’t worry and fret about not having it. All you can do is try. In fishing terms, you must sit on the bank or in the boat and cast your line…..and wait. The last thing you want to do is dive into the water and try and catch a fish with your bare hands. You will chase them all away. Being too aggressive, too clingy, too needy, to ANYTHING, will cause you to be alone. Forever.
You must wait. You must be patient. You must be brave but smart.
I also think people who can’t find love for themselves put the bar WAY too high. They want that perfect person. They want to find someone that has no faults and wants that person to accept their faults. Guess what? AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN!!!.
As most people know, we ALL have faults. Every one of us. Some have a carry on bag full of faults, some have a U-Haul truck full. I would suggest finding somebody with as less baggage as possible but remember, bag boy/girl, you’re carrying your own. Don’t be so precious. If you find the right person for you, you can help each other carry the others.
Here’s something I’ve learned. You have heard that it takes one hundred percent from both people. This is my opinion: WRONG!!! There are times when one carries a bit more than the other. The important thing is it must balance out. Let’s say you’re sick with the flu. The flu sucks. You have body aches, you get the chills or you get too hot, you can’t stomach the idea of eating, you’re running a fever. Well, where’s your one hundred percent then? Good luck with that.
No, you’re significant needs to tow the rope. They have to be there for you. And vice versa.
Of course, that description of the flu can also mean you might be in love, minus the fever. Or not.
I hate to say this but it is true and if you haven’t found the imaginary person that you have been searching for your whole life, you may never find them. Some people (I use to have this way of thinking) have a ‘perfect’ person they are looking for. It might be based on people you may know or something you put together watching hopeless romantic movies. This may be hard to hear but that person doesn’t exist. They may do some of the things you want to do sometimes, that romantic walk on the beach, the candlelight dinner where they nudge a meatball toward you and you share a single long noodle where you end up kissing at the end of it.
That is the movies. Not everybody will want to do all of those things all of the time.
Just find somebody you can do those things with. And make sure they are somebody that you can be in the same room just sharing space, even if you aren’t talking because you are doing your own thing. Find someone you can trust and rely on. Find someone that simply wants to be with you, not so much NEED you.
I hope Johnny finds love. I really do. But he shouldn’t feel like that he MUST have it to survive. He needs to live his life and stay open. And Johnny needs to be himself. Then and only then will Johnny cast his line out into the dating pool with the proper bait.
His heart and his honesty.
And his patience…
May 31st, 2018
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.