AMBIENT THOUGHT – EPISODE One Hundred Seven: Questioning My Sadness…

The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.

EPISODE ONE HUNDRED SEVEN:  Questioning My Sadness…

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Why are you sad?
Why are you depressed?
You have no reason to be either. You have love in your life, you’re married to a loving partner, you have a loving daughter, you have a job, you have a roof over your head, you aren’t poor…
Why are you so….so….weak?

Yep. Even though nobody has said that to my face, I’m pretty sure there are some who have thought that. Maybe even family.

All I can say is…I understand.

I have thought about these things about myself before. I’ve said them out loud. I have said them to my reflection in a mirror. I’ve said them in the car driving to work, in the shower, in the middle of the night when I couldn’t sleep.
I have said these things and even more. I question myself on why I’m depressed.

I’m not Eeyore. I don’t think everything is horrible all of the time. I don’t believe the sky is going to fall any minute. And I don’t always find the worst thing about something every time.
For a depressed person, I can actually be really cheery. I like having a good time and laughing and smiling. I love to see nature and how beautiful it can be and there are a handful of people in this world that I love to spend my time with. I love my cats and dog. I love books and good movies. And I love writing.
These things keep me smiling and help keep the sadness at bay.

Most of the time.

Trust me, a happy person can have depression. And, brothers and sisters, I have it. It’s something I have had for a long time and probably will until I take my final breath in this green and blue world.

When I get ‘down’, the low I feel is l-o-w. I mean, it’s down there. Have you ever heard of The Challenger Deep in the Mariana Trench? It’s the deepest part of the ocean. You could take Mount Everest, turn it upside down and fit it into this place. And still, have room for two One World Trade Centers and four Statue of Liberty’s standing on top of each other.
That hole in the world feels like a kiddie pool to me. Maybe not a black hole deep but you get the picture.

It all starts with a chemical imbalance. Then you add a ‘need’ to worry too much. Add anxiety and a feeling of a lack of control. And top it off with feeling lost and alone.
There you have it,  Depression Delight, served ice cold in a sadness bowl you can drown in.

And I know people who are worse than that…and they function better than I do.

Let me give you an example:
Today I was at my job, sitting at the computer and happen to have Facebook up (so sue me). A friend of mine, an actor, is working on making a film that he wrote and he has a bunch of his actor friends in it. He has a private page for everybody who will have something to do with it and he was recording a live video to get everybody up to speed and where they were at in the process. Knowing I had an interest in this kind of thing, he included me.
I was honored and happy to be involved but since the filming is being done in a totally different state, the only thing I can do is something with the writing or editing or audio. But he has somebody already set up for all of those things so I’m just a…..observer.
He was being kind thinking I might have an idea that might work occasionally. Other than that, I’m useless.
There was something about me being idle at work and being far away from the action to be really involved and thinking about how my blog posts haven’t been getting many views, I started to get down.
And my mood flat-lined.

Chemical imbalance? Maybe. I felt like a child who didn’t get picked for the kickball game.

It was the idea of feeling so useless. I want to be recognized for talents and I try so hard to do so but it falls all on deaf ears and turned backs.

Of course, I shouldn’t feel like that. I have had people tell me I was good at one thing or another. And maybe I just haven’t found somebody or a group of people that like my input or feel they need my input; my creative input.
And when I feel like that, I have an image of me alone in the wilderness with nobody to hear me or even out looking for me.

‘Tis sad. Is it not?

Or childish?

Or just stupid?

I don’t know. When I feel like that, though, there’s a trap door that opens under me and I fall and fall and fall.
I lose my heart and I don’t feel like doing anything.

Most of the time.

This time, I decided to write it down and didn’t think about doing it and then deciding not to. I didn’t just change channels aimlessly wallowing in my own depressive juices and feeling sorry for myself.

I need to find a wider audience with my blog posts. Maybe they will catch on and I can feel like I’m doing some good. Maybe I can be recognized for my abilities that I can write…that I’m a writer.
That I have some worth.

Because there are some days, I need people to tell me I’m worth it when I can’t say it myself.

I hope a day comes when I can say it and believe it.

-Loyd Elmore Jr
May 4th, 2018

 

I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

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