The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
EPISODE ONE HUNDRED SIX: Can You See Me?
(The following was written months ago and it was how I was feeling. Though, I can still feel like this from time to time. But I try to let it bother me less.)
I feel invisible.
Not all of the time, mind you. At home with my family, I am seen and heard. My counsel is sought and my advice is welcome. Even some of my friends use me as a sounding board. If they feel the need to ask me on what I would do, I give it.
I appreciate it every time.
I can even get my dog to listen to me, most of the time.
But outside of these worlds, I feel invisible.
I’m not sure if it’s the way I look or the way I dress. Maybe it’s the way I walk and talk. I don’t understand why I’m completely see-through. Or maybe I’m dim, like a shadow that is almost not there as the sun sets and dusk is upon us.
I have always thought of myself as a leader. I’m the guy that knew what to do. And people would tend to follow. It could be I was the guy with the big dreams and talked about them none stop. I was the guy that could make others laugh, usually from making myself the butt of the joke. Or maybe it was because I could get other people excited about whatever we were going to do.
Then, one day…… I wasn’t that guy anymore.
I became transparent.
People stopped asking me questions and seeking out my advice. I went from a leader to a follower of horrible leaders to the guy left behind, the guy looking around and wondered what happened to everybody.
It led me to wonder what I was doing with my life. As of this writing, I’m forty-five years old and I have never had a career. Not once. And I wonder if I missed out on what I am/was suppose to do in this life. I question it every day.
As I sit and type this, I’m really standing in a remote desert, one million miles away from my dream. I could stay here and survive. I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember. But it’s always hard to breathe. It’s always hard to find sustenance. And I feel alone.
If I start walking toward my dream, it will be a rocky path with lots of obstacles in my way. Some of those may be impossible to get over and planning and luck will be needed to get by them. And I will have to leave the safety of the spot I have been living in for so long.
I will have to go from being invisible to being here, to be that guy I once was.
It’s just like the book by H.G. Wells, The Invisible Man. A scientist who turns invisible from an experiment gone wrong. His life’s mission after that is to become visible again.
He and I have a lot in common.
I’m trying to become more visible in this world. I want to be the leader I once was and know I can be now.
Is it too late for dreams to come true?
In my heart of hearts, I know it’s not too late. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to. I’ve told my daughter that and I have to believe it also. I still have that hope inside of me that one day, I won’t be invisible. I’ll be the leader that I know I can be. I know one-day people will want to read what I write and get something good out of it.
I know, one day, I will make a positive impact on this world and people will be glad that I’m in it.
I’m not saying I’m not making some sort of positive impact already. There is my daughter who I’m trying to teach the right things, to be a good person. And to follow her dreams now before other things get in the way that might stop her.
Teaching from the lessons taught by my past mistakes is what a good parent is supposed to do.
Maybe part of the reason why I want to make a positive impact is to help make up for the things I have done wrong in my life, all those little things that I still feel guilt from, all those things that still trouble my waking mind. Sometimes they plague my dreams or in those quiet moments when it becomes too quiet and those echoes come back around. They are never too far away.
Maybe I want to make a positive impact is because it’s something we should all do and maybe I feel like I haven’t done enough.
And maybe, just maybe, it’s something I’m supposed to do.
I just need to take that first step and take the chance. It’s going to be a long million miles. Maybe at the end of my trip (if I make it), I’ll be visible again. I’ll be in the place that I know in my heart of hearts is where I should be.
In the book, the Invisible Man finally became visible again. But it took him dying to do it.
I’m really hoping that won’t happen to me. Visible only after death.
That’s a horrible way to live and die.
-Loyd Elmore Jr
April 20th, 2018
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.