The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
EPISODE ONE HUNDRED: “You Should Write A Blog.”
One hundred blog posts. Actually, it’s one hundred official posts and two ‘special’ ones. Why do I think of those two as special? The reason is I write my blog posts in order and that’s how I post them. Those two (one for Christmas of 2016 and one for New Years of 2016) were written on the fly and were posted in front of ones I had already written. So, they’re special, as in special edition posts.
Anyway, I’m pretty surprised I have written so many. Maybe you are, too. I thought I might write ten. I figured nobody would care enough to read past those first few. Then I would feel like I was just talking to myself.
I do that enough as it is. I could stop typing the blog and just yak at myself. It’s easier.
But I really started to enjoy it once I got past the first couple. I keep thinking to myself that nobody will read it. That’s part of my thinking that helps cause my depression. After a while, I didn’t care if anybody read it or not.
I enjoyed doing it. I really did.
And I still do.
In March of 2016, I had started this blog page. Not as a page dedicated to depression but it was going to be an ongoing serial about a lone radio DJ that was traveling the world and blogging about it. He might even have been part alien. I’m not sure.
It was just going to be a piece of fiction that I was going to write on from time to time and see if anybody cared about it.
During the time, my depression had been kicking my butt. I had gained weight and just wanted to be a couch potato and eat my worries away. You know the type.
I guess my posts on Facebook about it got through to a few people. One, in particular, John Armijo, who had just beat cancer (I’m complaining??), told me how much keeping a blog helped keep his sanity during his battle. He saw how much I was frustrated and how down I was and said to me, “You should write a blog.”
I thought about it for a few days and realized how great an idea that was. I thought about how when I was down, I would read All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten by Robert Fulghum and it always made me feel better for a while. I thought I could write like that. I could tell little stories about my life and how they fit into my depression.
I went to the blog and deleted everything about the lone DJ and started my first post. I finished that and went right to the next. And the next. And the next. Before I stopped for the day, I had ten written. They just flowed out of me. I didn’t know (and still don’t know) if they were good but it made me feel good. It made me feel good to get some of these things out. It’s funny. Some of these things I wrote about, I didn’t know I wanted to say them until I did.
I’m sure some of you will agree there are some clunkers in the bunch. But, as much as I hate to say nice things about things I do, I think there are some really good posts. And some of those good ones have lifted me up.
Along the way, I was surprised at the good comments I got. I’ve had people share how they felt like I was in their head and put down what they had been thinking. I’ve had people share things they were depressed and how I helped them by reading my blog.
And…I’ve had people tell me how well I wrote.
It’s been nothing but positive feelings, not just from others but from myself. Even if my writing went off the tracks and ended up far away from where I started or even wanted, I had a sense of accomplishment. And that feeling has been so hard to get.
As silly as this sounds and as many creative projects I have tackled in my life, this has been my very favorite. I’m scratching that creative itch, I’m helping myself through words and maybe, just maybe, I get to help others as well. Don’t get me wrong, there are other creative things I like to do and have a blast doing them but writing this blog has become more than just an outlet for me, it’s become a part of me. It’s giving me a place to spill my guts and putting everything out there for people to see. It’s not all pretty and some of it is embarrassing…but it’s all true. It’s all honest.
As I said, there have been lots of people that have encouraged me while I have been writing this. People on WordPress have embraced this page and helped give it a home but most importantly, there are a few that really stood out and let me know I was doing a good thing, even when I felt it was crappy.
And I keep them in mind when I write. Trent, Jamie, Linda, Kitti, and Carole Ann, thank you so much. And to John for giving the idea in the first place.
And to Alison. I want you to know how much you make me happy, no matter what.
And, last but not least, Mindy. My love, my best friend, my editor. I couldn’t do this without you. And thank you so much for your patience.
There are others, thankfully. And I hope there will be many more. Writing is something I want to pursue as a career. It may be the only career that I’m suited for. It’s the most enjoyable creative thing to me.
I don’t think I’ll ever be rid of depression. Most that suffer from it will have to deal with it all of their lives. But, if we’re lucky, we can find something, other than medication (which is helpful. I know from my own usage), that helps make our lows not so low and our highs a bit higher. I’ve been lucky to find that in my life.
Not just the creative outlet but the people that are your friends that help cheer you along the way.
I hope I have more blog entries in me. And if I do, I promise to be honest and will try my best to say things worth reading. Maybe I can make you think and smile.
Here’s to one hundred (one hundred and two) more…
-Loyd Elmore Jr.
February 16th, 2017
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.