The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
EPISODE NINETY FIVE: Planets Align…Against Me…
Have you ever had those days where it feels like the planets have been aligned against you?
We all have, right?
Let me tell you a few things I have noticed in my life when I feel like I’m last in line with our solar system’s big body satellites.
When I drive, I feel like I always get behind the slowest person on the road and most of the time it’s somebody who thinks the fast lane is the slow lane.
When I’m in a line of cars and the light turns green, it changes back before I can get under it.
I’m stopped in traffic right in front of a side street and there is a car wanting out or one wanting in and they are staring at me as if it’s my fault.
How about the jobs that I have had in my life? I’ve never had a career. I’m always on the bottom rung no matter where I go. Every place I have ever worked has treated me like a kid and never treated me like I had any brains. And if they noticed it, they would give me a shocked look like I was an ape that changed a car tire on its own. The only people that noticed I had intelligence were people that couldn’t do anything to help my situation.
Money? I never have enough (who does?). I save for something I want and something breaks or needs to be used for something else and the money has to be used for that. When medical issues arise, things that must be taken care of, insurance is never enough and the money out of pocket puts a huge dent in the wallet.
Relationships? I’m one that does the reaching out and others hardly ever do. You try to be a good friend and get forgotten and left behind. We all want friendships like we see on TV but rarely ever happens. If you have that, I envy you.
I know life will never be perfect. There will be moments that are difficult to get through, some will seem impossible to see the other side of it. The long tunnel in those situations will have no light and be really long.
Bad luck might feel like it’s years long.
There are days I feel like that. I feel like that tunnel I find myself is too long to get through and I’m walking in darkness.
I even have a fear there is a train coming and I got no place to go and I can’t outrun it.
I think about all of these things and the walls come closing in. I become irritated. I try to think of ways I can make things better, ways I might change things. There is the occasional success and I can make a stress or a worry go away. Then…here comes another one to take its place.
The whole one step forward, two steps back cliche.
It wears on me and makes my depression worse. If things can’t be perfect, I, at least, want to try and make things better. As hard as it is to make some things that way, I must try. I can’t give up. There is a solution to every problem.
Of course, not everything in my life is in that tunnel or lined up with me behind the planets. There are things that are wonderful and I do get lucky from time to time. I have a great wife who supports me. She is somebody that I have wanted in my life from the beginning of puberty. My daughter is wonderful and she’s smart and tough but tenderhearted and caring. I have a few good friends that support me and reach back when I reach out. I have one or two talents that I might be able to make something of worth with. I have no evil vices and I’m a good person.
I do have those things going for me and I’m blessed or lucky that I have that much. Honestly, it’s more than some or most people have.
I just get sensitive. Maybe over-sensitive to things I want (need) to change to make things better. I don’t believe it’s wrong to want to fix what’s broken. I think we all need to try to make changes to better our lives. Especially the big things. I believe we all owe it to ourselves to make our lives the way we want it. The idea of settling for things that don’t make us happy or even tolerable demands to be changed.
Let me say that again. It DEMANDS to be changed. Even if it feels too hard to do.
And if we can change the bigger things, at least one of them, it might make the smaller things more manageable.
I dream of a day where I can feel better about how my life is when I wake up in the mornings. Instead of dreading how the day might go, I’ll wonder what good things the day has in stored for me. I dream what it might be like to not let the evil little things get to me because I’m content and as happy as I can be.
And I dream of a day where I can be happy with how my life is going, even if it’s not with my dream job. It’s something that I can be happy with.
Then maybe the traffic won’t feel so bad. Maybe relationships will be better. Maybe the money will be there when I need it every time and the worry of not having it is gone.
And maybe the planets will move out of the way for me to feel the sun again.
-Loyd Elmore Jr
January, 5th 2018
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.