The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
AMBIENT THOUGHT – Special Edition: The Vast New Year
I see this in my mind with a lot of things but when a new year comes around, I see it more and more clearly.
I’m sitting on a cliff. My feet are dangling over the edge. I look down carefully and see nothing but empty space below me, complete blackness. Straight out ahead of me is space. Stars and galaxies and a vastness so large, it takes my breath away. My heart is beating so hard in my chest, I hear it in my ears and my body seems to swell slightly with each pump of blood.
If I turn to look behind me, there is nothing but a black wall. It goes as far as I can see, to the left and the right and straight up. There is no way off of this cliff edge.
Except…forward, into empty space.
The fear of this grips me with icy fingers. There is no going, only going forward.
I look back again and that black wall has crept closer. The space on my cliff ledge has become less. If I spend too long thinking about it, that wall will push me off into the blackness below.
My only escape is jumping out into that vastitude of pinpricks of light, clusters of starstuff, and the infinite berth.
I stand and suddenly feel the black wall at my back. Time has become too short to think about what I must do for much longer. I steady myself and close my eyes and say a quick prayer, hoping that my ‘wish upon a star‘ gets heard. I lean back to get a start.
Opening my eyes, I take a breath, hold it, let it out slowly, and leap forward…
Believe it or not, that is a thought I have from time to time. It started when I was a kid one winter night when I lived in my neighborhood. Even though there was snow on the ground, the night was quiet in our little section of the world. I couldn’t hear the cars passing on the main road a block away. There was no cold breeze blowing the naked tree limbs. I stood near the street in my front yard and looked toward the hill at the top of our street. Because of distance and the incline and because there was no streetlight, it looked as if the road going up the hill just disappeared into blackness. It scared me, my mind reeling from too much imagination.
From that moment, that feeling and that sight became, over time, that image and feeling in my mind that I described above.
It became to represent the unknown and the future.
Maybe I’m one of the few (or many) that fears the future. But let me be very clear, I also have hope. As long as the hope is more powerful than the fear, the future has potential. If you are breathing, there is hope, hope those good things are ahead. There will be bad moments, too. There is no stopping those. That’s the importance of knowing about the good among the bad. We have to live for those good moments.
It’s something I have to tell myself every morning, noon, and night.
As the new year gets closer, hour by hour, minute by minute, hold fast to the positive potential this new year can bring, will bring.
When you find yourself on your own cliff, make sure to not jump down but to jump forward. That fearful vastness leads to potential positive places and moments.
Just have hope…and fly, baby. FLY!!!
Happy Vast New Year to you. It’s open and welcoming.
-Loyd Elmore Jr
December 31st, 2017
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.