The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
EPISODE NINETY: Overlooked Other Than The Evil Eye
This post was written on one of those days. It may sound a bit whiny but it was the truth on how I felt and still feel.
Behold the whiny truth.
I think we have all been there. At least once in our lives.
Some more than others.
I believe I’m one of the latter.
I get looked over a lot.
Based on thesaurus.com, the common term to being ‘overlooked’ in the 1530’s, was “inflicting the evil eye on” (someone or something). And I believe it.
I’m not sure if it’s the way I look or my actions. There may be some that look at me and see a dullard or a nobody, a person that has no idea what’s going on and can’t help in any way possible. Maybe I look intimidating and people are afraid to call on me.
Or they just don’t care.
Here goes another one of those things in my life that is both a blessing and a curse. There were those times I didn’t want to be called on in school and most of the time, I was not. And every once in a while I wanted to answer the question, I wanted to show my expertise on some subject and prove my worth and I was looked over, even with my hand high in the air. In classes I didn’t like, you would find me close to the back as I could get. For those I excelled at and loved, the opposite would happen.
In those classes I wanted to get the attention to show I knew what the teacher was talking about and maybe a bit more.
I did have some classes I was called on and wasn’t a ghost in the room. Drama class, certain English classes with certain teachers that sparked my imagination. I may have been noticed a time or two in science classes.
Any math class and you would find me in the back with my head lowered and I would be adverting my eyes. But I still did well enough to get a couple of credits extra over what I needed to graduate.
My school days ended and after a short stint in college, full time employment was needed. Again, the over looking would happen by bosses and managers. I did my various jobs well enough but still would be passed over. Occasionally I would be promoted but it was usually due to somebody leaving and the powers that be needed to fill a position.
And most jobs were low end, bottom of the rung jobs. I would make my way up a couple of rungs and find that is where I would stay. There was a no trespassing sign on any rung past that. College degrees and classroom know how is way more important than things learned in life, on the job, or on your own.
That piece of expensive paper is the only key to get any higher on that class catering ladder.
That has been my work life up to this moment as I write this.
I became a self-taught, educated man. I became driven to have a high IQ because I truly believe knowledge is power. But without a frame-able certificate to hang on the wall, I’m not seen that way. I’ve just become the guy that can take the trash to the road on a certain day and do whatever new job is given to him without any reason or direction on how to do it. I’m the guy that can be ignored.
The talents I have formed over a lifetime has had no use in any job I have ever worked. None. Not that I didn’t try.
That’s why I have never been happy about any time clock I have ever had to punch. Not one of those is a job I could see myself retiring from.
They have all been JOBS.
I’ve never had a career in my life. There are things I would absolutely love to do for a living for the rest of my life and be completely satisfied and happy. The top one is doing the very thing that I’m doing at this very second: writing.
And there are two or three other things I have developed a talent for that would make me happy to do for years to come.
But it comes down to a piece of paper.
And more importantly, it comes down to not being overlooked.
Maybe I missed my calling. Since I can be overlooked so easy and I have a decent high IQ, maybe I should have been a spy. I could sneak into and out of rooms easily. You could place me into a business to spy on them or one particular person and they wouldn’t know the difference. Just another beaten down employee with a number and not a name.
Yeah, spy could have been in the cards.
But I’m sure I would have been overlooked there at some point. Maybe left to rot in some other country because I was forgotten.
I know, it’s not really as bad as I say. I have a wonderful wife and a wonderful daughter that listens to me and knows I’m not some idiot because I don’t have a high paying job. I have some good friends that know I have some input on the world and will give me their ear, whether or not they agree on what I’m saying.
Sometimes it feels like I have some sort of George-Bailey-from-It’s-a-Wonderful-Life kind of position in life. I feel it’s true sometimes. I’m destined to not live the life I want to live because somebody has to stay at that ‘cheap, penny-ante Building and Loan’ and do the grunt work. They have to have a person with large dreams and make him do menial work so somebody else can go on and create the life they want.
I call it being overlooked.
I’ve heard this many times and odds are that you have, too. If you want something bad enough in this life, you just have to go get it if it’s got a chance to happen.
As Agent Fox Mulder said, I want to believe.
And it seems to happen for others, those that were looked at and touched by the hand of good graces and their dreams were fulfilled.
I still sit here, not counting the money or giving a loan to a customer in this ‘cheap, penny-ante Building and Loan’.
No. I’m the guy sweeping, unclogging the toilets, printing paperwork that few people want or care about and wishing somebody would look at me, for once in my life. I’m hoping somebody will come along, like the way I think, like the words that I say, understand I’m not who others think I am.
I’m hoping somebody will come along and dust me off and see me for what I really am, a guy that can be somebody in this world.
Well, until the evil eye is off of me and somebody with the power can see me for what I really am, I have my broom. I’ll be here in the corner not being noticed, like a transparent ghost, sweeping up the dreams that I’ve had in my life and putting them into the dust pan. I’ll debate on taking them out of it and keeping them or just putting them in the trash.
And on Thursday, I’ll push it all out by the street since that will be trash day at the ‘Building and Loan’.
November 17th, 2017
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.