AMBIENT THOUGHT – EPISODE Sixty Nine

The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.

EPISODE SIXTY NINE:  Would You Really Want To Know?

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Death.

I talk about it a lot. That’s because I think about it a lot.
This will be the third blog post where it is the main subject.

Since I think a lot about it, many scenarios have entered my mind about death and this one keeps coming up.

If you could know when you would die, would you want to know?

Scary question.

I think this is a question we all have to ask ourselves. For us to know when our warranty is up or when our expiration date is can be overwhelming. We could be given the answer and it could be many years from now giving us a lot of years to look forward to.
Or it could be minutes due to a massive heart attack that is getting ready to cease your being. To find out would be a crap shoot.

Let’s say you find out. You have about twenty years left and you can’t change it. It’s impossible. On a certain date, twenty years from now, you are going to die. That’s it.
Would you regret knowing? Would you live the rest of your twenty year life thinking about the very end? Would you see each minute that passes as an individual nail in your coffin?
It would be hard not to think about it everyday.

What if you find out you only have minutes to live? For me, I’d be making some quick phone calls letting the people that I care about how much I love them. I’d let them know it will be OK and to live life to the fullest. And to think about me from time to time and know, if it’s possible, I’ll be with them.

Now, let’s say you can change the future and change how you die. Maybe even prolonging your death. Of course, you’d have to know how you die to change anything.  Let’s say you are given that information. Twenty years from now, you die of a heart attack. Well, odds are, you’d quit eating fried foods and cut out salt and exercise everyday. You become a beacon of health. And you push that twenty years back into thirty. Instead of a heart attack, you get run over by a dump truck because you were out running and the driver fell asleep and SPLAT!!!!
Or you go on a healthy diet to keep from getting that heart attack and instead of twenty years or pushing it back thirty years, it becomes five years because you are in a health food store buys some vitamins that you need and it’s robbed at gun point. And the person holding it looks at you, considers you a threat and shoots you. You die quick or just bleed out in the store.

Many, many, MANY ways it can go.

This is where I stand on this question: I don’t want to know.

I don’t want to know even if I could change it. I know myself and I know that is all I would think about. It could be when I’m a hundred and two (the age I hope I make it to) in my bed surrounded by my loved ones or in my sleep. I would think of that moment for 58 more years. I would dwell on it with obsession. I’m not sure if I could think of anything else. Ever.
I mean, I already think about death too much as it is.

Can you imagine?????

And what if I get my exit from this place by fire or drowning or car crash or getting squished by a boulder driving down the interstate that just decides to come loose right before I get there due to ice in the Winter and then a sudden thaw that causes it to let go?
Or that damn dump truck that haunts my dreams?

And I can’t change it?

No. I don’t want to know. I never, ever will want to know.

And with that decision made, there is only one thing I can do…

Live each day likes it’s my last.

And to do that, you have to be healthy, mentally and physically. You have to say what you need to say when you need to say it. Tell people that you care about how much they mean to you and say it with your heart. And if you weep doing it, then weep.
And the thing you must do the most…
Live your life.

There is no other way to say it. Just live your life.

And while you’re doing that, pass on as much wisdom and love as you can.

Like I said, I think about death a lot. I wonder if it’ll hurt. I wonder if I’ll go out in a fiery crash or will I be feeling great, sitting at a table and then be dead before I slump out of my seat and hit the ground. Or will it happen after I go to bed, having felt satisfied on the day and telling my daughter I love her and kissing my wife goodnight and fade during the night, at peace?

I really hope it’s that one, a long, long time from now.

I hope I accomplished all I wanted to do.

I hope I’m surrounded by love.

I hope the friends I have then will think about me with love and truly miss me.

I hope I’m not forgotten and good things I did is passed down.

And I hope I came here to do what I’m suppose to do.

But I still want the moments between now and then to stay a mystery until they are ready to be unraveled.

And, like I said before…I’ll stay careful of dump trucks.

-Loyd Elmore
May 26th, 2017

 

I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

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