The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
EPISODE SIXTY: Exit Stage Left, Please…
I’m a collector.
Anything that interests me, I want a billion of them.
Just ask my wife.
When I was a kid, there was these battery operated toy trucks about the size of your palm called Stompers. You put a battery in, turned on the switch and let them go. Yes, they only went in one direction but they did their best to climb over anything you put in its way.
I loved them and I wanted more and more. I would save up my allowance and buy one every month. They would go through water and dirt and just about anything else. And the best part was their little headlights would work so driving them at night was fun. And I loved the way they smelled as you opened them from their package.
Those weren’t the only things I collected. I collected Star Wars figures, GI Joe figures, comic books, comic book trading cards, books, colorful rocks, broken crayons, stubby pencils, buttons, knives, ICEE football and baseball collector cups, and a bunch of other things.
But soon you realize you can’t keep collecting that way when you get older. You want to spend you money and your time on other things…like girls.
So a lot of that kind of collecting went to the wayside.
You learn to trim things out. You learn to concentrate on more important things. I cut back on a lot of collecting except books and the occasional colorful rock. I even eventually stopped collecting comic books. Dating girls (when I could date a girl) took over. Spending money on dinners and movies and just going out.
Some of that well spent, some not.
We go through life collecting things. Memories (good and bad), friends (good and bad), experiences (good and bad), thoughts (good and bad), etc. Some of these things are worth holding on to.
Others need to exit out of your life.
Along with collecting good things, I have collected bad things as well. Guilt, hate, mistrust, worry, anxiety… all bad things that I have saved up in a part of my brain and my heart to bite at me from time to time. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has done this but I would collect them by the handfuls.
Guilt was my ‘guilty’ pleasure. I would collect it until I had had no room left. Then I would try and hand it out to other people. That’s never a good thing.
I loved to beat myself up and think I was never good enough. I still slip into that from time to time.
Speaking for myself, I need to gather up these negative things. The things I say about myself that cause me grief, things I do that holds me back, things I feel that are untrue and false, they all need to exit from my life. Even so-called friends that make me feel bad about myself or hold me back. Real friends believe in you and help you move forward, not keep you in place or even push you back. Real friends tell you the truth, even if it’s difficult but help you change the bad to the good and get you moving again.
The bad ones need to exit my life.
And those things need to exit yours, too.
You and I need to stand at the open door and wave these things out of our life. And if you have trouble with them, they will need a helpful foot in the behind to get them moving.
I’m telling this to me as much as I am to you…they MUST leave and the time is NOW!
EVERY EXIT OPEN!!!
YOU DON’T HAVE TO GO HOME BUT YOU CAN’T STAY HERE!!!!!!!!!
Some of these things do take time, unfortunately. The things we think about ourselves tend to get caught up in us. Part of us want to hold onto them and keep them. We want to keep them in case we feel like we’re getting too full of ourselves and need to be brought back down.
We want to think this is right but it’s not. Those things are nothing but harmful. These thoughts are like cancer and they need to be eradicated from our thoughts and our hearts. You know if you are doing something well and you know it’s a good thing. It’s not something that needs to be squashed under your heel. Let it grow.
And for the love of all that is holy, believe in yourself…
If you follow this blog, you know this is something I am working on. It’s one of the hardest things that I have ever tried to get over, the belief I can’t do anything of merit or I can’t do anything well. I worry that people won’t like what I do and I’ll be ridiculed and made fun of.
Sad that I’m an adult and I still believe in those things.
You and I have to believe in ourselves. We feel it deep down when we do something right or have, dare I say, a talent and we express it well. We have to welcome that feeling in and push out the negative thoughts out the door.
It’s a one day at a time thing. There are days that it’s easy and days that it’s hard. But as long as you keep pushing, it’s a winnable situation.
Going back to collecting, I don’t collect as much as I use to. I can’t afford it.
But I am starting to collect something that I wished I had collected more of when I was younger.
I collect life experiences. Some of these come about because of pushing negativity out the door. And because of this, there are more positive experiences because I allowed it.
And they are much more collectible and priceless than negative ones.
And there is much more room for them.
March 10th, 2017
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.