The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
EPISODE FIFTY THREE: If It’s Meant To Be…
Thanks to Kelly and Corey for giving me a hand…wink, wink…
I’m going to tell you a story that is embarrassing. It involves crying, heartache and what was relations with a minor.
And to ease your mind, I was the minor. And I didn’t mind the relations.
It all started when I worked at a restaurant when I was sixteen years old. I started off as a busboy and moved on to being a line cook. There were days it was a hot, unforgiving job. Then there were days it was fun and memory creating.
As you may know, you tend to spark up friendships as you sweat, cut and burn yourself as you fix customer’s food. You make friends with the other cooks and busboys and they become people you hang out with.
And you make friends with waitresses. Some you put in those friendship categories.
Some become more.
I had starting seeing this waitress that we’ll call June. She was nineteen and going to college. And for some unknown reason, she liked me. Don’t ask, I still don’t know why.
And I liked her.
We dated for a while, hung out, made out….and nothing more than that. That is the truth.
Of course, it was a doomed relationship. I knew it deep down but I didn’t want to think about it.
Until one day, when we were both working, she said that after work we needed to talk. I had hoped it was going to be good but I felt those thunderclouds rolling in with lightning and thunder.
After work, we sat in her car and she told me she wanted to break up. I was floored, even though I understood why. I’m not stupid but at that moment I sure did play dumb. I begged her not to do this. I cried. She hugged me. She told me we would always be friends.
Again, I begged her to change her mind, still crying. Through tears I asked her if there was somebody else. With a bit of hesitation, she said yes. He was older than her.
I thought, of course he is. How could I compete?
Well, I felt like my world had ended. I wanted nothing to do with anybody or anything. I sure didn’t want to go to work the next day and see her. I didn’t eat. I called her and asked her if she changed her mind. I made myself a nuisance.
And I acted like a younger kid than I really was.
Sometimes you need to know when to let go.
I hate to admit this but I’ve done it a couple of times since then. You feel your heart being twisted and warped and you want to stop the pain. You want it to beat again.
When you feel so powerfully, it can be an almost death experience when you are pushed away or told that it’s the end of a relationship. The passion you feel is hard to extinguish.
But you have to learn to let go. Sometimes we try so hard to hang onto something that is not there anymore. We try in that moment to beg and curse and threaten and promise to do the things we didn’t or don’t do the things we did to make that connection again. Odds are, it will not….and we need to understand when it’s time to give up.
I think you learn that as life goes on and we go through relationships of all kinds. People come and go in our lives and hopefully there will be some that come to stay. But not all will. And not all of the ones we care about so strongly.
Even when we accept that this happens, it’s still hard sometimes. Like when your children leave for college and their real life is beginning. But you know that they aren’t leaving your life but just putting foot onto their own.
Or friends moving away. There is still social media and phone calls.
Those people they become more than friends. The people we called lovers, soul mates, partners, our other-half, when they leave, they tend to leave for good. They go on with their lives and meet other people that they might call what you called them when you were together. It’s going to happen.
Here’s what I finally told myself and kept it in mind….
It wasn’t meant to be.
And because of that, I started to believe in destiny. I understand if you don’t but I do. I believe we are put on a road to a certain destination. There may be turn offs and stops and delays and speed bumps but we will get back on that road.
And I don’t regret any relationship I have had in my past. Not a single one.
By having those past relationships, I was taught very important lessons on how to act and how not to act. I was taught how to treat people and how not to.
As the saying goes by Tennyson, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
As hard as it is to hear sometimes, it’s the truth. Believe me. Those lost relationships help form you. You are made up of not just the good experiences but the bad. You have to take the bad ones and learn from them and make them work for you.
But to do so, you have to let go when it’s time. You have to let go and fall. The fall will be shorter than you think. You will walk away from the fall if you have the right thoughts and feelings as a cushion.
And on the way down, there will be other people to help.
And maybe when you finally come to a rest, there might be the hand you’ve been looking for your whole life.
Just like with me…
January 20th, 2017
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.