The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
EPISODE FORTY EIGHT: Build’um Up, Tear’um Down
Have you ever known somebody to always be standoffish? Any little question you asked them was answered in a haughty way? A ‘who do you think you are’ or ‘how dare you’ way?
How about when somebody talks down to you for a question you asked that they think should be public knowledge?
I’ve known some of those people and I bet you do, too. And I bet you can’t stand them. They act like they know everything and believe you know nothing. If you know something that they don’t know, it’s not important to them.
Why do they act like this? Were they so verbally abused they think this is the way you’re suppose to treat people? Are they intimated by you or who ever they are belittling? Do they have a god complex?
Or did they listen to Roger Waters?
“Mother, should I build the wall?”
I have built walls before. I’ve made them out of Lego’s, wooden blocks, stacked books, a deck of cards, a pile of shoes, actual bricks.
And walls inside myself.
And I have spent my life knocking those down. The ones in my head. The Lego’s and wooden blocks and the others were real easy.
In my early twenties, I built a wall inside. There were times you couldn’t tell me anything. I knew everything and I had this world by the….well, you know. I was unstoppable.
I sort of went through a period of teenage rebellion in my twenties. I look back now and I still don’t know why.
But I did. So there we are.
I spent the money I had. I spent money I didn’t have. I just wanted more stuff. I didn’t really appreciate much. I was going to be rich. I was going to be famous. I was going to be in the movies. All that stuff.
Maybe I was trying to make up for being alone. It was hard for me to date. Most girls were not into me. Maybe it was the glasses or the teeth, I don’t know. I just didn’t really make the girls heads turn. I wasn’t too afraid to talk to girls. And the girls I did know would automatically categorize me as friend, nothing more. The very few times I had a date, it would be just that, a date. Singular.
The one thing I wanted the most, a steady girlfriend, I couldn’t get. I was lonely so I was going to fill it up with stuff that I didn’t need.
Before that, I did have a girlfriend. We dated in high school and I thought she was it.
Ahh, young love. Is anything better than that?
We dated very seriously. But over time, I lost that ‘in love’ feeling. For me, there was no spark. It wasn’t her fault and to be honest, looking back now, it wasn’t my fault. It just happens. We weren’t meant to stay together. That’s it.
With all that going on, brick by brick, the wall is being built. I was living with my dad during that time and as much as he loved me, he might have wanted to kick me in the butt on a regular basis. I didn’t show him the respect he deserved.
There goes more bricks. Higher the wall goes.
Internal walls are never good. That stop you from living your life to its fullest and keep you from learning important lessons. They keep you from seeing the world as it could be.
Maybe those walls are built from fear or doubt or confusion and each time you feel those, you make that wall higher and longer. Eventually it completely surrounds you. Not a good thing at all.
I can’t tell you when the wall inside started to come down. I can’t tell you if there was a specific moment when the bricks started to fall out but I can tell you exactly when what was left came tumbling down. It was a Monday on the date March, 5th 2001 at three forty-four in the afternoon. I saw the world in a whole new light and a lot of things at the time became clearer, the things I needed to see I saw with twenty-twenty vision.
I try not to put my hands on any bricks in mind anymore. I can’t say that I’ve been tempted on occasion. I might have even took a few minutes to fix up some mental concrete to start erecting a new wall but I’d give it some time. I’d let that concrete dry up and covered up the bricks again. Those stacks of bricks will always be there, I believe. I’m human, of course, and we tend to want those bricks around. I’ll keep them there as a reminder of the wall I once had. The great big looming, monstrosity that cast a large shadow on my heart and soul.
Without the wall, there’s a nice view. And I’m free to walk around in there. I can weigh options and choices freely and make decisions based on facts, not ignorance or intolerance or selfishness or just plain stupidity.
Tear down your own walls and keep them down. Keep those bricks well out of sight. You don’t need them.
By the way, that time and date when my wall came down completely…
That was the day my daughter was born…
Dec. 9th 2016
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.