AMBIENT THOUGHT – EPISODE Forty

The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.

EPISODE FORTY:  My So-Called Teeth

callanish_isleoflewis

The following blog post is a sensitive issue with me. And maybe you’ll be able to relate in some way.

My teeth.

Not a favorite part of my body. Not at all.

When I was a kid, I had straight teeth. They were all baby teeth but by golly, those suckers were straight. But then one of my top front teeth started to turn sideways. After an x-ray, we found out that my baby tooth had got ‘stuck’. It was holding up the teeth behind it. So, I had to have the baby pulled out, then the middle tooth pulled down and out and then the adult tooth had to be pulled down and stitched into place until it set.
Then all hell broke loose in my mouth. The eye teeth on the bottom row started to get out of line and now they look like fangs. As cool as that sounds, it’s a pain. If we had the money, I would have been able to get braces, but alas, it was not to be, cheri.

I have dealt with crooked teeth since then. I’ve been lucky. I haven’t been made fun of too much in my life because of it. Mostly because I don’t smile showing them. Maybe when I’m alone but never in public or around friends. It’s always a closed mouth smile.
And I hate it.

Why don’t you get braces now?

Easy. I still can’t afford it. And I’m too old. I really am. Of course, if I win the lottery, I’m going to get veneers and be done with it.
Until then, I’ll have to deal with it. Closed smile and all.

It could be worse. I understand that completely. As for problems with they way I look, I got off pretty lucky. I’m not male model, straight teeth or not, but I haven’t been given anything worse than that. I know there are lots of people that have to deal with worse. I see it and have nothing but sympathy.

And most that deal with worse have dealt with it better than I have with my teeth. As my teeth got worse, stupid things I use to think or say about other people became less and less. I’d see people with crossed eyes, over-weight, birthmarks, missing something, loss of hair, they stutter, many other things, even people with crooked teeth like mine. Some worse.
I began to understand I was no better. I mean, I could keep my mouth shut but I knew what was behind my lips. I knew what it was like to have people look and judge.
And I stopped judging.

There is something that everybody has that they are self-conscience about. It can be something little or something very obvious. We all have something about us that we are afraid other people will make fun of. And there are those that will. But most of them have something they are ashamed about themselves. And making fun of others helps them deal with their own imperfections.

Now, I think of these so-called imperfections as special, original traits. These ‘imperfections’ can make you stronger. If you let the shame go and start to love the person you see in the mirror, you’ll love yourself more and you will care a lot less on what either people think or say. And that love will show.
There might be one or two that might be rude and say something stupid but do your best to take the high road. They’re dealing with something that they can’t face. And know you’re better off than them because you’re dealing with yours.

I know that my so-called teeth is nothing compared to a lot of others but they are something I’ve dealt with for a long time and I’m still effected by them. Every picture I take shows a closed mouth smile from me. There may be one picture of me in the past ten years that I’m smiling showing my teeth but I’m standing too far away for anybody to see them. They have embarrassed me my whole life.

But I’m thankful that most others aren’t put off by them. They haven’t kept me from dating or having people being embarrassed by them as much as myself. My wife and daughter don’t care and love me for who I am.
That’s what love does. You don’t see those things. Whatever imperfections the other things they have become perfections to the ones that love them.

If only I loved myself as much as they love me. If I did, maybe I’d be able to smile opened mouthed in the mirror and not worry instead of feeling disgusted. It may not be as bad as most peoples problems but I still carry it like a burden.

I’m working on it, though. I try and remind myself that most other people don’t care and I’m not the only person in the world with crooked teeth. I’m far from being the only one. And they weren’t something that I caused. The dentist said my mouth is too small for the teeth I was born with. That’s a little hard to believe. I always thought I had a big mouth but I see what he’s saying.
Sometimes you are born a certain way and it may be hard to change. You have to accept it and move on. And if there are others that can’t accept it, it’s their problem that they must sort out. Not you. Not I. You’ll find people that don’t care. They love the person you are inside and that will shine through. You just have to let it.

Maybe one day, they can be fixed. It just takes money.
The things that needs to be fixed inside…well…that takes time.

-Loyd Elmore
Oct. 21st 2016

 

I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

 

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