The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
EPISODE THIRTY EIGHT: Be Humble, You Could Be Wrong…
Let me get this out of the way before I dive into this post, let me explain the picture.
I’m pretty sure, no matter how you feel about Jesus, he never said he was awesome. He was probably the most humble person to walk the planet.
I was just trying to be funny.
Now…I’ve never been a fan of speaking highly of myself. Even as a kid, I never really liked saying what I could do something well because I was afraid that somebody could do whatever it was a lot better than me. Or they would laugh at me because whatever I thought I could do well was thought of as stupid.
Kids worry about that kind of thing.
And adults do, too.
As for things that I could do well, I never liked to admit it. Just like when I was a kid, I was afraid they would laugh at how bad I did do it when I thought I was a master. Or they would think it was a waste of time for an adult to do. I kept a lot of things to myself.
Plus, I didn’t want to be like those that we all know, know-it-alls or those too cocky for their own good. I couldn’t stand those people and I still can’t.
I slip into being humble all of the time. If somebody asked me what I liked, I’d stutter and shuffle my feet and mumble out some sort of answer. I hated the idea of giving my answer and being looked down on. And there are times I worry about telling some people about what I like unless I’m talking with someone that I know likes what I like or I’m really comfortable around them.
Why am I so worried about what other people think? Why am I ashamed of what I can do well? Why do I think if I can do something well, I should mentally flagellant myself?
It’s an intense feeling sometimes, to try and keep whatever ego I have beat down and locked away in a cell in my head. An ego can be used wrong and I’m scared it might get the best of me.
But as I got older (I say that a lot), I’m a little less afraid to say good things about myself and the fear I once had has subsided. Well….some. I have learned that it doesn’t matter what most people think about me as long as I’m being kind and as thoughtful as possible. I respect what others do, even if they differ from what I do. If it’s not hurting me or anybody else, it’s perfectly OK and you might learn something. I believe that about things that I like and the things I believe I do well.
Since I’ve been writing this blog, I have had some say it was good. Some have told me I’m a good writer. I desperately want to believe them. I’ve tried convincing myself that I am. There has been mornings driving into work where I tried to give myself a pep talk.
“I AM a writer. I’m a GOOD writer. Don’t stop writing.”
The part about not stopping is something easy. But the other two, well, here comes mean old humility to nip it in the bud. I think if every man, woman and child on the planet in their own language told me I was good, I’d still think they were having a laugh with me.
Humility is a good thing but if you allow it, it will hold you back. I’m speaking from experience. I have allowed it to stop a forward progression of things I wanted to pursue. I thought that since I could never really admit I was good at something, then I should just stop whatever it is. I should just move on to ‘normal’ things and be average and ‘safe’.
The creative side of me fights this. It wants me to be good and to prove it. That means there is a consistent fight going on in my head.
This is what I’m going to do and if you’re fighting the same battle, you should give it a try. When it comes to something you want to do in this life and you are trying to get better at it, admit to yourself that this is going to be a major part of my life. If enough people tell you that you’re good at it, BELIEVE THEM. Don’t get a big head, keep your ego in check because you’ll never know everything about anything. Admit this to yourself but recognize that you’re good at it and there is plenty of room for you in this field. Yes, there are lots of people that may be better at it than you, but you are different. You have a voice and not only do they need to hear it, you need to hear it yourself. A good part of humility is knowing you don’t know everything but are willing to learn and get better.
I have a dream that these will become part of a book that I’ve written, that this blog will lead to my dream job since the seventh grade, to write for a living. And part of that dream is having an audience that likes (or loves) what I write just like the authors that I have love. I want to be able to speak to an audience.
And I think I’m good enough to do it.
In my opinion, we have one life and we need to make it the best that we can. We weren’t born to just watch others do wonderful things, we’re here to do those things, too.
But just remember to stay humble. But not too humble.
Oct. 14th 2016
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.