The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
EPISODE THIRTY SEVEN: Mission: Control!!!
This should be obvious but I’m going to state it.
I am NOT an expert on depression or anything else. I’m not sure I’m even an expert on my own life.
I can only tell you my thoughts and feelings about my depression and how I’m learning to deal with it. If that makes me an expert, so be it.
Ever since I started this blog, I have thought a LOT about my depression. I know that it is not as bad as what some people have to go through and deal with. They are on a lot more prescriptions than me (I have been on one for about two months and it has helped considerably). I am not trying to compare mine to anybody else’s.
But I have thought a lot about mine.
And I think it comes down to a lot of it being based on a lack of control.
I see things or have things that go on in my life that I have no control over or I think I have no control over and it frustrates me to no end. And it’s a whole list of things.
Here are a few:
People who are horrible and unconscientious drivers.
People who hurt children.
People who are serial flakes. (I just realized that was ‘punny’)
Fair weather people.
Being stupid for the sake of being stupid.
Being stupid because it’s ‘cute’.
Just being stupid.
Micromanaging. (another result of feeling like you have a lack of control)
There are a few more… I’m lying. There are a lot more. But I don’t want this to be a post just about a list.
Some of these things you can control. If not in others, then in yourself. That goes without saying.
As I’ve got older, I’ve become less of the control freak I once was. I think of myself as smart person who is always thinking about as many possibilities and outcomes of the things I do. I’m pretty sure I have stated this before. And there have been times when that has been put upon other people because I thought they were doing something the wrong way or not fast enough. I’ve made many people mad at me.
I’ve become calmer as time has gone by and I’m more willing to let other people do what they need to do (even though I feel like they are going to fall on their face). You can’t control other people. You can’t control most things in life.
You can only control yourself. And that’s up for debate.
I watch the news and see horrible things and I want to step in and explain what I think is wrong and how to fix it.
I see people argue and want to step in and fix it.
I have people tell me bad things that are going on in their life and I want to explain what’s wrong and what to do.
I want to be a hero.
But sometimes it feels more like wanting to control it so we can move past it.
I know I’m not the only one. I’ve known people to act the very same way and thought about how much of a jerk I thought they were.
How dare they think they know how to fix this?? They got NO idea what it’s like for me!!!
Yep. I’ve acted the very same way as them.
I’ll listen. I’ll give a shoulder. I’ll give an ear. And unless they ask for it, I will not give my opinion. If they do ask for one, I’ll be completely honest but not harsh and let the chips fall where they may.
I can’t worry about it. The only person I can control is myself. And that’s most of the time.
I think those who make things with their hands are prone to be controlling. Some are better about it than others. Creative people create worlds on paper, on film, in art, in wood, in metal, in stone and thousands of other ways. Some creative people think they can wield control in real life like in their medium. I’m guilty of that and I know I’m not the only one.
I wish it was possible to be able to control real life the same.
But you can’t. Real life moves too fast and sometimes there is no way to go back and fix a mistake you made. Once it’s made, it’s made.
I think it all comes down to this and it’s simple.
You can’t control anything until you control yourself, your thoughts, your actions. Setting an example and sticking to it is the best way to get through to people, especially if you’re doing the correct thing. You won’t make a dent in some people’s ways of thinking or their actions but you might change others. We can’t think of it as controlling but serving as an example.
I still have problems with control, hence this blog post, but I am much better with it. I’m better with the idea of taking my hands off the reins that my hands should not have been holding on the first place and going with the flow. There will still be times when I’m irritated with others for doing what I believe is stupid things but I’ll just to have to mumble under my breath and move on.
But I still hold the right to yell out lots of curse words locked in my car at other drivers.
I think of that as a stress reliever.
Oct. 10th 2016
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.