The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
EPISODE THIRTY FIVE: To Go Back or Not To Go back…
I love, love, love time travel movies. From Back to the Future to The Time Machine. Every one of those are favorites of mine. To tell you how much, I saw the first Back to the Future movie in the theater thirteen times.
Back then, all movies you watched in the theater was on film, not digital. And the last time I saw it was a few minutes shorter than the first time due to the times the film would stop in the projector and melted the film. They had to splice it back with tape.
So, yeah… I watched it a lot. And even more on VHS, TV, DVD and Blu-Ray.
But the subject of time travel is a sensitive subject with me. If it was possible to travel in time, not just a theory but really real and they built a machine to actually do it, I would be so against it. So much so that I would try to destroy whatever machine they built to do it. I think traveling in time would be a horrible thing. Absolutely horrible. It’s fine for the movies and books but real life?? Not a chance.
Going back into time could not only cause you to die instantly but you could destroy the world. Just the smallest thing that you do could cause your parents to not meet. I won’t get into all of the reasons on how that could happen but trust me, I have spent many. many, MANY hours thinking about it and there are thousands of ways to screw it all up.
So, what does time travel have to do with depression.
Have you ever said to yourself or to someone else that if you could go back and change this or that, you would?
I bet you a bunch of money you have. At least once in your life. I have…before I knew any better.
We have all made mistakes in life. Some small ones and some really big ones. We have all done things to other people that we regret, as children or as adults. Maybe it happened many, many years ago, maybe it just happened, right before reading this. And odds are we’ll make mistakes again. Hopefully less but they will happen again.
Making mistakes are a part of life. They are a part of learning. And they are a part of living. It has taken me a long time to come to that conclusion. I have worried and fretted over things I have done, to other people and to myself. I have lost friends, lost relationships, lost opportunities and lost a couple of jobs over stupid things I have done and said. And I have spent a few restless nights when they would bubble up out of some dark place in my mind and torture me. There would be times when I thought I had finally forgotten and not think about it for years and like a bloated corpse rising in the water, there it would be. Even things I did as a kid, stupid kid mistakes, would come out of nowhere and bother me like a swarm of bumble bees. Each one stinging me.
Maybe the idea of traveling back in time to fix these mistakes would make life better. I can see why the idea of doing so is so attracting. Maybe you could wipe away all of those things and you could stop thinking about them and sleep better.
I believe that would be the worst mistake you could make.
Let’s say you could really go back into time, maybe in an awesome stainless steel Delorean, wearing your white and red Nike’s and your orange life preserver vest (BTTF movie fans will get that), and not screw up anything that would cause you not to be born. Let’s say that. You go back in time and change the things you did wrong.
I think you would come back to a life you hated. I believe you would screw up everything you loved about your life now.
Part of having a good life is about learning from mistakes. Without those things, you would not be where you are today. You would not be on the path you are on now.
Would you be on a better path?
Are you willing to find out? Are you willing to take that chance? I think it would be a huge mistake to do so.
What we must do is make peace with the things we have done. If we did something to someone we cared about, we must make amends to them. If they accept it or not is something we can not control. They forgive or they don’t. But trying and meaning it is all we can do.
Sometimes the hardest thing is forgiving yourself. Letting these things go may be the most difficult thing we are faced with in life.
When faced with this, it may seem easier to travel back and fix it.
It feels that way sometimes but it is not.
You just forgive yourself. You paid the price and then some. Heal, let it go and move on, no matter how hard a part of you pushes against it.
Going back in time will never be possible. Not physically, anyway. Mentally we travel back all of the time. We think of the good things, which can be wonderful. And we think about the bad and think about why we did them. Over and over.
I’m telling this to me just as much to you: STOP IT!!!!
It will do you no good at all.
Drop this bad baggage and move forward.
And speaking of moving forward, if time travel was possible, I’d go forward if I can come back to my ‘now’. I’d totally find out all of the lottery numbers for the next 20 years and come back and win those suckers kind of like Biff in Back to the Future 2.
Is that bad? Or my destiny? I’m waiting for my chance to find out.
Oct. 3rd 2016
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.