The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
EPISODE THIRTY THREE: Sole
Do we really carry things from our ancestors in our DNA that sometimes rise up? I have heard this before and I think it’s true.
I have stated before in previous blog posts about making blanket forts or climbing trees and staying in them until I feel asleep or going outside in the early morning hours to eat a Pop Tart, drink an OJ and watch the sunrise over the roofs in my neighborhood.
And there is one thing about all of those things; I was alone. I think my ancestors were ninjas or monks living in caves atop mountains and only came down to mate and/or hunt for food. That’s a joke but there might be a bit of truth in that.
That’s the thing I think might have risen up in my DNA. With some, it’s anger or a survival instinct. Don’t get me wrong, those have risen up from time to time, too. But the feeling of wanting to be alone at times is what I’m referring to.
This is in no way of saying I want to be alone in my life. I love my wife with the fierceness of the biggest sun going supernova. She is my soul mate (I believe in those) and I’d die for her. What I’m talking about is the need to be alone from time to time. We get little moments to be alone, being in the car on the way to work, in shower, using the restroom, going grocery shopping, things of that nature. But I mean when we’re alone for longer period of times.
In the mid-nineties, I went to visit some friends in Utah. This is the first time I went out of state by myself. I was scared in the beginning but I ended up having a wonderful time. And as much as I enjoyed seeing my friends and spending time with them, the moments I was by myself in a place I had never been before was way more enjoyable than I had ever thought.
We all need to time to ourselves. We are with ourselves every second of everyday and even though that’s true, we sometimes forget who we are. We have to ‘know thyself’ before we can know others. And even when you are happy in a relationship, there are times you need to recharge. So, I believe personal time is important.
When I find some time to myself, I want to do things that teaches me something. It might be a book or learning a new hobby.
But a lot of the time I find myself flipping channels and watching things I have already seen. Just staying on the couch and feeling like a waste.
My favorite thing to do is go for a drive by myself. Just hit the open road. Maybe go back to my old stomping grounds and see what has changed and what hasn’t. Or just taking a road I’ve never been down and let my thoughts run wild.
There is nothing wrong with being alone from time to time. I think it’s healthy. We all need ‘me’ time but there are times we are afraid to get it when we are in a relationship. There have been times early in my marriage to mention it. I was afraid she wouldn’t understand or that she would think I didn’t want to spend time with her.
But after almost ten years of being with me, she understands sometimes I need to be a solitary creature. And she has learned to get her own ‘me’ time and I think that makes for a better relationship, especially when you’re in it for the long haul.
Please understand, I’d die without spending quality time with the people I love and care about. Their presence in my life gives me purpose and a reason to get out of bed everyday. To see my wife and my daughter gives me strength to better myself, for them. Spending time with my other family and my friends is something I look forward to.
But you must clear out some time to hang out with the person that has been with you since day one on this Earth, that has been with you every second of every day, the person that has been with you when you are asleep.
That sounds a bit creepy but you know what I mean.
I still think about my trip to Utah. I think about how I went for a walk in downtown Salt Lake City after the sun went down. I walked by the arena where the Utah Jazz plays and around the Mormon temple. I went to a Mall and shopped and I went to a McDonald’s and got some take out. I was scared but excited to be on my own in a place I had never been before.
I was living. I was growing inside. I was learning about myself.
And when I came home, I felt like I was part of the world more than I did when I left.
This may sound silly to those in the military where this is a way of life. I can understand. But for me, this was life changing, even though it only lasted a week.
I urge everyone to take sometime for themselves to be by yourself. Those that love you will understand. Go and know you. Go and be your own best friend.
Maybe go and get lost. Then go find yourself.
Sept. 26th 2016
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.