The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
EPISODE TWENTY SIX: The Dark Vs. The Light
Are you one of those that like to curl up under the covers where it’s dark?
I am. Ever since I was a kid and started to sleep in my own bed.
I have always loved the dark. When I walk around my house at night, I hardly ever turn on a lamp. When I was a kid and we lived out in the country, I’d go outside at night and walk around the woods with no light. I’ve always found the dark to be healing. I’ve never been afraid of it.
I’m not sure if it’s something built into my DNA, some sort of program that has been locked away in my genetic code that was handed down from my early ancestors when they would hunt big game at night and found comfort in the dark. It was as if I was born to it.
Even my senses are honed for the dark. I see better in the dark than most people and my hearing is almost bat like (I am Batman).
And I have always preferred cloudy or overcast days to bright, sunny ones.
What does this have to do with dealing with depression?
I have had nyctophilia (one who loves the night; darkness), since I was young. I think part of the reason why I have insomnia from time to time is because my internal clock wakes me up when it’s still dark so I can enjoy it. That sounds silly. I know. But maybe, deep down inside my brain, it’s really true.
I’ve always down my best creative writing at night. I’ve always had my best ideas way before the light started to grow in the Eastern sky. Things tend to make more sense as the stars twinkled above my head.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I like the daytime, too. You have a lot of fun during the day and you can interact with people more.
But night-time, you can be alone. You can understand things better that has been bothering you.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but I find it interesting. What if it was really true? What if each one of us has descended from someone or something else? I like to think that if it really did happen, I was once a large predatory cat. It would explain my near obsessive love of felines. They are really my cousins.
I once prowled the land at night in search of prey. And maybe those senses followed me into this body.
Yeah. That’s pretty funny.
But why not?
The night and the dark has always brought me a sense of calm and peace. As a child, I would sneak outside at night and look at the stars above. I would find the different constellations and wonder how far away those particular stars were. Even during the Winter and it snowed, I would go out and look at how bright the night would be from the blanket of white. The calm and peace and quiet from the sound dampening of the snow would bring an indescribable need to be quiet, shut my eyes and just breathe.
I was an odd kid. I’m still an odd kid.
The dark, the dusk, the stars, the Moon help me. I feel less depressed when I experience those things and I experience those almost everyday. I prefer the Fall and Winter to Spring and Summer; longer nights. I prefer the full Moon to the Noon day Sun; it’s cooler. I prefer the stars in the blackness of night to the blue sky; more to look at.
I also tend to get headaches. They are usually brought on by stress and bright light makes them worse. At work, I keep the light above my head out. Our shower is separate from the main part of the bathroom, I keep the light out in the shower and close the door most of the way so you can only see a little light from the main bathroom. So yes, I shower in the dark. I don’t need the light, I know where everything is.
So, yes…. I love the dark and the near dark.
But the love of that dark has helped me see more clearly. I see the light that I have inside. My creative light…
Sept. 2nd 2016
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.