AMBIENT THOUGHT – Episode Seventeen

The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.

EPISODE SEVENTEEN:  Why Didn’t The Chicken Cross The Road???

episode 17 THIS ONE_edited-1

As a kid of the 70’s and the 80’s, I played outside. Like a lot of kids at that time, we spent hours and hours outside playing with friends, riding our bikes and just using our imaginations.
And because I think too much and let my imagination get away from me, there was one time I almost died.

I was outside and playing in the road. When you lived in neighborhoods, people were use to that. At least I thought that at the time.
I was in the yard across the street from my house getting a ball that I kicked. I grabbed the ball, came up to the road and looked both ways. At the top of the hill, there was a car heading my way. And if I remember correctly, driving faster than the speed limit.
I ran across the street into my yard; safe. No problem.
But something nagged at me. I wanted to be back on the other side.
I dropped the ball and ran back across to the other side. Made it.
But then, for some reason that I still can’t understand, I felt like if that car passed between me and my yard, I’d never make it back to my yard, to my home. I’d be stuck here forever.
So, I ran as hard as I could toward the other side.

There was a squeal of tires. To my right side, I saw the grill of the car stop a foot away from me. I stopped right there, deer in the headlights.
The car door opened and a blonde woman got out and I heard words that I had never heard before (ones that I use quite well today).
During this, my sister looked on. She had seen the whole thing.

My stupefied paralysis broke and I ran. I ran past my ball. I ran past my sister. I ran straight into the garage and cried. I cried because I almost got hit by a car and because a stranger cursed at me and my sister saw.
And because I had no idea why I did that.
I got into trouble after my sister told on me (thanks).

Why could I not decide on what side to stay on?

Funny thing is, at 44 years old, I feel like I’m on the other side of the road and I really need to be on the other. But I’m scared of that side, too. But that side might be the one I need to be on.

Decisions, decisions.

I’m safe on this side. I won’t get run over.
But… I’m not happy on this side. The other side may have what I’m looking for.

Then there’s that thing coming down the road that could squish me like a grape (Karate Kid) if I don’t move and move fast.
But will that other side have what I need? Should I stay safe and not worry about that thing coming down the street.

In case you didn’t know, these are all metaphors.

On this side of the road, I have a safe job. It’s a paycheck and the job is easy.
But… I’m not happy. I can’t see myself retiring from there. If that happens, I’ll feel like I’ve wasted my time. Time that I’ll never get back.
I’m thinking very hard about crossing the road. The other side might have a job I can be happier at. A job I can make use of talents I have. A job that I’d look forward to go to and one I’d be happy to tell people that I do.

Or… it might be a waste of time. That kind of job may not be on the other side.

And then there’s that thing coming down the road.
Time…ticking away.
Tick, tick, tick…

Let me be completely honest, I’ve been checking job sites. I have my resume uploaded and it gets checked out by employers everyday.
But it’s nothing I want to do. Either I have NO interest or it’s something I don’t want to go back to.
I’m looking for a few magic words that will make me reply to them but I have yet to see them.

I know what you’re saying. Why don’t you find a job you know how to do until you find the right one so you can leave the one you have?
To me, that’s making a unnecessary move. I have a job that I don’t like. Why do I want to go to one that I’ll dislike just as much?

But I can not give up hope.  It’s out there. It’s on the other side of the road. It’s just finding the right time and the courage to cross.

I’ve been told that your job doesn’t define you.
I agree, wholeheartedly.
But, my happiness does. And you need to pursue happiness, if you can, in all aspects of your life. Your home life, in your family, your passions AND your job.

So, the search continues. I’m waiting for the right time to cross the road and I hope when the time comes, the thing that guns its way down the street, that ticking clock, doesn’t have it’s grill in my face when I do.
Because this time, it will not squeal to a stop. It will run me down.
Squish like grape, Mr. Miyagi.

-Loyd Elmore

June 30th, 2016

I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

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