AMBIENT THOUGHT – Episode Twelve

pThe following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.

EPISODE Twelve:  Advice for you, not for me.

advice 12

For some reason, I have always been somebody that people could talk to. Like I said before, I tried to be the ‘funny one’ when it came to my friends. It made it easier for me to make new friends and keep my old ones. I think I became trusted because of that and since I was trusted, they would talk to me about things that was personal, a shoulder to cry on.
And that has lasted to this day.

I guess I’m easy to talk to and I guess I’m a good listener. My wife said I should have been a psychologist or a therapist. Maybe.

And I pretty good at figuring out what makes a person tick and where there problems sometimes lie. Due to all those years of listening to others, it’s helped me even more on what causes problems. It’s usually comes down to money and trust and communication or the lack of those three things.

Here’s the thing. As much as my opinion has weight to some, it tends to have no weight when it comes to my problems.

I can’t seem to listen to my own advice.

Somebody tells me how he or she is worried about this or that thing and I give them reasons that their worry is unwarranted and yet, I may be worrying about the same thing and I can’t take that advice myself.

Why do I do that? Is is laziness? Is it some sort of martyrism?
Do I feel I’m not worth it?

Understand, it’s not all advice. I’m not that hard-headed. I can listen to advice and utilize it. When I deem it necessary, I make use of it.

But there is some that advice from others or even myself falls on my own deaf ears.

Take for instance running. For three years, I was avid about it. I lost over sixty pounds and got in the best health of my entire life. And when I wasn’t running, I was telling people that they should get out there and put their feet to the road or trail or whatever. Get out there and run or walk and feel better.
Yep, three years of that.

Then…depression hit me hard. My running started to slack from a few times a week to once a week to twice a month to…nothing. My eating went from nice healthy portions to give me all the food…and yours, too. I gained back most of my weight and I feel sluggish, a big fat pig sized slug.

I know I need to get back out there. And I want to. I really do. I want to feel the distance past by me and under me. I want to run six miles and when I stop, I’m not out of breath. I was meant to run. I was born to run.
I tell myself to stop screwing around, grab the running shoes, pop in the earbuds and get the hell out there.

But………I don’t.

I know I’ll feel better once I do. And after some time and I get my wind back, I’ll be glad, I’ll be a bit happier. I’ll start fitting into the clothes that I don’t anymore.
And when I look in the mirror, I won’t feel ashamed. I won’t feel I let the people that I love down.

Maybe writing this will wake me up. Maybe it will finally let that advice that I told so many people to finally make it into my brain and stoke the fire that I once had.

I guess we’ll see.

YOU should get out there. Make this your day. Make it a new beginning for the rest of your life. Go be healthier, wealthier (in body, mind and spirit, at least) and wiser.

Me? I’ll think about it.

-Loyd Elmore

May 21st, 2016

I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

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