AMBIENT THOUGHT – Episode Eleven

The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.

Episode Eleven:  Relax? Can’t Do It…

hammock blue

As a kid, I once fell asleep in a tree. There I was, about twenty feet in the air for about an hour, simply dozing. I was oddly comfortable.

I could sleep anywhere. I could fall asleep lying in the front yard, looking up through the branches. I could fall asleep lying in the snow after building a snow fort. I could fall asleep sitting in the recliner in the den.


Now, it’s not so easy. I can still nap. Especially on Sunday afternoons. But sleeping at night, well, there are times it’s nearly impossible. Going to sleep isn’t too hard. It’s staying that way.

When it comes to sleep, I have had trouble staying asleep since I was a kid. My mind was always going, thinking of what I was going to do the next day during the Summer or question myself if I studied enough for a test the next day if it was school time. It was usually my imagination that would get me up in the dead of night and to play in my room.

Those were the good old days.

Now it’s less about imagination (which there still is plenty of) and more about worry and responsibility.

And when I try to just relax, it’s difficult. It’s hard to turn my brain off. It’s hard to worry less. It’s hard to think of nothing.

I’ve had a few massages in my life. Too little if you ask me. But for a few minutes during that time I can honestly say I was able to relax and loosen up, to let my mind wander without trying to focus on anything in particular. It feels like a meditative state in which I have rarely felt in my life but I knew that’s exactly what it was.

That is the feeling I wish I could produce without spending $50 on whenever I felt like it. The feeling of total nothingness.

I know what you’re thinking. No. I have never done drugs. So, that’s out. And I’m not much of a drinker. I’m a total lightweight. So, that’s out.
I’d prefer to find my own natural state of relaxation.

So, I get it. I’ve thought about it over and over for years. I need to learn to really, really relax. And if I learn that, I should be able to sleep better.

Now. How do I do that? How do I learn to relax better? How do I learn to worry less about tomorrow and concentrate on the NOW?

If you’ll remember, I’ve talked about this before. The Now; living in the moment. It all relates to my depression. I think TOO much. I think about what could happen and all of its branches, all of the different outcomes….about everything.
It all relates to that.

The cure to relaxation?

Worry less. Live in the moment. Take the time to really use your senses. Don’t rush.

Of course, this is easier said than done. I try to be a creative person and thinking about different subjects are crucial to do that.
It requires a lot of thinking.
But I need to learn to think less about the none essential things, the things that do not relate.

Maybe if I learn this, I can relax.

Or I can win the lottery and pay for a massage everyday for the rest of my life.
That doesn’t sound too bad, does it?

-Loyd Elmore

May 13th, 2016

I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

One thought on “AMBIENT THOUGHT – Episode Eleven

  1. I find that the sensory check autistic kids use is helpful when I am anxious. Where am I standing? Name one thing I can see. Name one thing I can hear. Name one sensation I am feeling. That really gets me into the moment.

    Liked by 1 person

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