AMBIENT THOUGHT – Episode Eight

The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.

 

Episode Eight:  You Call Him Hermit Jones, Doll!!!

cave

Do you remember making a blanket fort when you were a kid?

I would make HUGE forts with couch cushions and chairs and blankets and cardboard boxes. Then I’d take all of my stuffed animals in there with comic books and a flashlight and stay in there ALL DAY. I’d even take my lunch and dinner in there when my mom would let me. And I’m pretty sure I got my dad to curse under his breath from time to time when he had to skirt around it to get through the den.
These forts were always safe and comfortable.

I miss those days.

But, to be honest, I think I still make those forts. I think I still make them in my mind.

I have become a hermit. During the week, it’s pretty much get up, go to work, go home, sleep. That’s the way it is for five days unless I get my daughter for the weekend. Those weekends are always better.

Other than that, I’m a hermit. And when I’m home, I lie on the couch and I have been know to pull the sheet or blanket over my head to shut out the world. I have to admit, those particular times are few and far between but I’m not too shy to do it when needed.
And during the week, it’s hard to get me out and about. I worry about getting to bed and I hate to have my daily schedule interrupted.

There are some exceptions to the rule, of course. My daughter will have something going on with her school which I am more than happy to do. And it’s another chance to see her.

That’s about it. I have occasionally met up with friends to podcast or something. But to be home at a certain time and to eat at a certain time and to be in bed at a certain time is almost religion to me.
It may not be the best religion but it’s what I have.

Why? Why am I such a hermit?

Fear.

It’s fear of being away from comfort and home. Sometimes it’s fear of what could happen.

I have a dream. I have a need to be able to explore and see new things, to stay out late and to get up early, to see new countries and meet new people. I basically want my life to be a travel channel show.
I really want to be Indiana Jones. And in my heart, I am.

But in my mind, I’m scared. In my mind I still want to be in that blanket fort I had as a child with my stuffed animals and my comic books. And I want to keep my head down and be looked over.

To change things will be an accomplishment. The challenge to move past the introvert and become more extroverted is daily and I’ve dealt with this since I’ve got older.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s no place like home and hearth and comfort.

But you can’t stop living life or taking a risk from time to time. And you can always make time to feel like Indiana Jones.

Just maybe, though… I might build a blanket tent and hang out for the day.
I mean honestly, wouldn’t you want to, too?

-Loyd Elmore

April 27th 2016

 

I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

2 thoughts on “AMBIENT THOUGHT – Episode Eight

  1. Maybe if more did this we would have a better understanding of how to be a better friend. I deal with a hubby who also has depression and I am always looking for insight, thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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