The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.
Episode Five: We The Jury Find You….GUILTY!!!
A scene from Superman echoes through my mind in certain parts of my life. Not these so called Superman movies now but the one from 1978 with Christopher Reeve. At the beginning, we see General Zod, Ursa and Non standing in the spinning rings as they are being condemned by a Krypton council for their crimes. The council all call them guilty, one by one, in their deep British accents.
I hear those voices a lot.
Guilty…. Guilty…. Guilty….
I have all done things that we felt guilty for later. Some of those things are little, some are big. Some of those we get over in a short time, others we don’t.
And some things we carry around like a boulder on our backs.
People will tell you, stop doing that to yourself. Drop that guilt and move on.
It’s so easy to say that to other people, isn’t it? It’s so easy to give that advice and not walk in that person’s shoes for a while and see why it is that boulder is so set in place. I’ve talked about guilt before and had people tell me all sorts of things that I SHOULD do. Now, understand, they mean well. I know they do. But some guilt will take a long time to slush off. Some guilt fades slowly. It’s all about understanding the guilt and why it’s there.
This is something each person must find out on their own.
I have a few large guilt boulders on my back. A couple I’ll keep to myself. But one of the largest is when my mother died. At the time I’m typing this, it was seven years ago yesterday. It was before 4:00 AM on a Saturday morning. I get a call from my sister saying the nurse called her and said mom was going. As she spoke to me, she got another call. As I waited for her to come back on the line, I had that feeling of dread, I wasn’t going to make it. My sister came back on after a few minutes and through tears, she told me mom was gone.
I was too late. Too late to hold her hand and let her know I was there. Too damn late.
It’s hard to just drop that kind of guilt. That’s something that will fade over time but it will always be there. Forever.
If there is a God and a Heaven, which I truly believe there is (even though in my weakness I doubt from time to time), I’ll see her again and that guilt will be gone. Completely.
But until then, I have to make sense of it. Yes, unless I could have magically transported to her bedside in that moment, there was no way I could have been there in time. I know this.
Mom knows this.
Still… that guilt boulder is still there. It’s large and unmoving.
It’s fading, over time. A chip here, a chip there.
I have visited her grave once since she was buried. I don’t feel guilty about that.
She isn’t there. She never was there. The last place she really was was in that hospital bed.
What’s in that grave is a shell. Nothing more.
I talk to my mom from time to time. Because she’s all around me. And she will always be until MY dying breath. Then I hope to see her again.
So…guilt. I have it, you probably have it. Some guilt is gone quickly and some comes back after a while. Then some stays forever. It’s learning to live with it. It’s learning to strengthen your back to hold the weight. You might be able use it to teach others when they deal with their own.
I guess we all have a Krypton council surrounding us from time to time saying we’re guilty. But we must remember not to sentence ourselves to the Phantom Zone.
April 12th 2016
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.