AMBIENT THOUGHT – Episode Two

The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get use to the latter.

Episode Two: Homework First, Too Late to Play Later

blog episode 2

When I was a kid in elementary school and had homework, I never waited to do it. Even if the sun was going down and the street lights started to buzz, I had to finish it before I could relax. My father got a old wooden school chair that had the desk built into it and it sat in my room in front of my window. That is where I did my homework. And that is where I could see my friends playing while I completed my math or spelling or whatever.
It is a good habit to get into. Work first, play later.

And the reason I did it first was I didn’t want to get into trouble. I hated my parents being mad at me. I still hate anybody being upset with me.

I’ve always been one of those people. Get the work out of the way, the work you are getting paid to do or expected to do so you can relax or play later. That way you don’t have to worry about it. And when something that needs to be done gets added to what I’m already doing, I get frustrated. I’m afraid I won’t be able to catch up. And I’m afraid of people being disappointed in me.

But…when it comes to things that I look forward to doing (writing, running, etc.), the things I was real excited about in the planning stage, I will procrastinate when the time comes when I can put pen to paper or put my running shoes on or what-have-you.
When it comes to something fun, I will want to put it off.

So….when it comes to work, I do it right then. When it comes to something that I want to do, I procrastinate.

It seems to me, I’d rather be upset with myself than to have others be upset with me.

It almost gets to the point that I would rather lay on the couch and wait for something to do for somebody else than do something I want.

What the…?

Don’t get me wrong. I still do things I want to do. My wife can attest to this. I just worry about what’s coming down the road.
I worry about what’s coming.

I don’t live in the moment.

That is something I really need to change. Of course, you can NOT stop worrying about what’s coming. But you can cut back.

I kind of miss those days when I was getting home from elementary school, climbing the stairs and going to my room. The feel of that school desk under my palm as I opened my homework. I would take a few (a lot) of mental breaks and look outside. Even though I didn’t know it then, there were a lot less worries.

I guess the moral to the story is live in the moment more. Take one thing at a time and look out the window every once in a while.
And don’t worry about what other people think. As long as you’re doing your best, they can’t be upset and neither can you.

We can try, right?

– Loyd Elmore
April 1st&2nd 2016

I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.

2 thoughts on “AMBIENT THOUGHT – Episode Two

  1. I was not able to do homework because it confounded me. My childhood depression was like a walking pneumonia – trying to kill me while I managed to get thru the daily routine. Wow that sounds dramatic! But I literally have dealt with suicidal thoughts most of my life.

    Fast forward to now: I have managed to unlearn depression and learn how to live. Life gets better and better.

    But I STILL struggle with what you describe, Loyd. Do the work, do the “legitimate” work, and then find you are too tired or befuddled to take on the creative, self-expressive work.

    Thing is, the daily grind is every bit as legitimate as the creative, self-expressive work. I managed to get myself to play my baritone for about 5 minutes this morning. And I sang on the way to work. And I wrote a song last month. And I wrote half a blog last week. And I ran on Friday, and walked with my husband, and I am building gardens. It is hard work but I am getting better and better at being able to do it for myself.

    It is not just for myself, tho. Every leaf, every root of every tree gives life to the entire tree. The daily grind keeps me alive; our creative work, Loyd? That creativity keeps HUMANITY alive. That is our real job.

    ::hugs::

    Like

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