The following and all of the other episodes to come are snapshots of what goes on in my head, now and in the past. There are times none of this will make sense. There will be times when I might get lucky and the blog I post will be well constructed and will flow like a mountain stream to an awaiting lake below. Other times it will seem like the ramblings of a madman and you’ll ask yourself, “What the……?”
You should probably get used to the latter.
Episode One: Filled Pockets
“You’re a cry-baby.”
“Grow up and act like an adult.”
“You have no excuse to be sad.”
I have told myself those things and more for a long time. I’d pull myself up and move on.
But there is a lot of times, I can’t.
I worry about everything. I worry about the few things that I need to and a ton of things I don’t need to. Those are the worse. Stupid things that I shouldn’t give a second thought to. And worry is best friends with anxiety, fear, and guilt. Put them all together and you get depression.
When I was a kid, I was a cub scout for about one year. We never did anything. So, I thought, forget it. I can have more fun on my own. But I did learn something that I still use to this day: Always be prepared.
I learned it so well, it’s become a mantra.
It’s also a blessing AND a curse. I overthink EVERYTHING.
“If I do this, I’ll need this and this. If I do that, I’ll need those from over there and those over here. If this happens, I’ll need to bring those and this and that and……”
On and on. I have to make a plan.
Another thing to prove I have to plan everything, that I always need to be prepared is… I always carry pockets full of stuff.
A pen, a penlight, a Swiss Army knife (thanks, MacGyver), nail clippers, change, chap-stick, dental floss. That’s just one pocket. And other things will be added depending on the situation I’m about to get into.
I even got into taking a satchel or a backpack that is full of more things that I ‘need’.
A notebook, a digital recorder, a GoPro, an iPod, an iPod charger, loose paracord to practice with, a 3 ball from a pool table (don’t ask), more pens, another flashlight, etc, etc..
I’m not a psychologist but I think that might be because I worry about everything.
It’s hard for me to just let things be. Planning is good but trying to think of anything that might happen is overwhelming and can take the fun out of what you are doing.
I hope to get to a place where I leave everything and not worry about what could happen.
Leave everything but my keys, of course. I mean, then I’d have to bring some clippers so I can hot-wire the car.
I think maybe that’s why people hoard things. You’ve seen the shows. You may even know someone like that. You might BE one of those. It’s hard for people to let go of things. They collect and collect and collect. It could be baseball cards, which is very acceptable. Or it could be every newspaper you ever bought or every egg container or even every toothbrush you ever used. Or worse. Those are not so acceptable.
I use to make fun of those people. Until I realized, in my own way, I do it, too. I collect things in my pocket like I collect the worry and anxiety and fear and guilt. I collect it until I’m shutting down, shutting myself off, staying quiet, laying on the couch and eating junk.
I have a fantasy. If I was to ever win the lottery, I’d like to pack one small bag. Nothing more than a medium-sized backpack and go to the airport, pick a place and go there. I’d stay a little while then go back to the airport, pick another place and go there. I’d do that for as long as I could stand. I’d take a limited amount of clothes and one pair of shoes. And in each place, I’d take pictures and maybe, just maybe, I’d buy little things, very small things that are easy to carry. Occasionally, I’d get rid of some of it, give it away and only keep what I really, really wanted. The things that I felt was irreplaceable.
Sound silly? I don’t think so. I like the idea of little treasures in my pockets.
Maybe carrying things in my pockets isn’t so bad. But carrying too much can be.
Carrying worry and anxiety and fear and guilt is the worst.
– Loyd Elmore Jr
March 30th & 31st 2016
I’ve decided to keep a blog about how I’m dealing with depression. I’m going to consider this a form of therapy. It might not help anybody else but it might help me.